Indonesia is a country of diverse ethnic cultures. My mum hails from northern Sumatra, a clan who are notorious for being a lineage of headhunters. (No, not the recruiting kind, the scary “I’m going to chop your head off” type).
The Bataks have a ritual for just about every occasion – weddings, engagements, births, harvest time, deaths…
When my grandma passed away, there was ceremony after ceremony for at least 3 days. All performed as open casket, no less.
Anyway, on the final ceremony, prior to the actual burial, all family, friends and mourners will form a circle around the deceased and well, start dancing.
Now, before you start thinking how crazy it is, remember this is culture.
It may not be yours and one that is familiar. Nevertheless, it does have its firm place in this vast rainbow world of ours.
Whatever we choose to follow or decide as common practice, does not necessarily mean it needs to meet the requirements of others’ belief systems.
But the Bataks believe that the Tor Tor dance invokes the spirits of past ancestors while respecting the presence of those still alive. Most of all, it’s a form of encouragement; trying to lift one’s spirits during a time of pain and grief.
When my cousin first told me that the dance was about to happen, I looked at him and pointed at my grandma’s coffin, “Seriously? Dancing? Now?”
“Yup” he shrugged. Himself also in disbelief.
And while it seemed completely out of context, I witnessed this transformation of people’s sullen faces to a temporary brightness. They started skipping around the coffin. Hands in the air, with palms facing upwards, they moved rhythmically and in unison. Singing along whilst in motion.
Dancing around your dead grandmother. Whodathunkit.
But within seconds of commencement, the room suddenly became lighter, with the heavy tension lifted for a brief moment.
None of it felt wrong or out of place. Everyone there was simply dealing with grief the way they always had. And always will.
Don’t ask me what happened during that week after I was told Kak Rytha was killed in a car accident.
I cannot recall much from it. It was a blur consumed with heartache, grief and disbelief.
But I did decide to start running again. Having being injured for almost 6 months, I had only been able to brave the treadmill. I was too scared to pound the pavement. Psychologically, I wasn’t up for another injury.
But when I found out I wasn’t going to make it in time for my cousin’s funeral, I had one of two choices a) sink deeper into my grief b) say goodbye to her my own, personal way.
I thought, “What would Kak Rytha want me to do? Would she want to see me miserable? Sad that I wouldn’t be able to say goodbye?”
Alas, there was no singing or dancing around a coffin for me.
Instead, 2 days after her death, I did a 5 km road run. The first in what seemed like forever. But I ran for her. I thought of her smile, her cheery disposition. I pictured her laughter as she would cheer me on.
“Faster, darling! Faaaaster!!” her boisterous, playful voice would say.
Grief, I’ve discovered is about life.
Without this excruciating pain, we can’t truly appreciate life – whether it’s our own or of those who we’ve tragically lost.
Without this devastating heartache, we can’t learn how to breathe properly; to suck in, inhale the good; to expel the suffering and affliction.
Yeah, I’m crazy to run in the darkness of 4 am.
A 40 something woman probably shouldn’t be recklessly jumping off a wharf into freezing icy ocean water, in fear of appearing childish. Juvenile, even.
But this is how I’m dealing with my grief: by facing and celebrating life – head on.
Joining Essentially Jess for IBOT
The different cultural traditions around death are fascinating. We had my dads funeral in Uganda, a service in the cathedral followed by a Hindu style cremation (because cremation is not popular in Africa). We knew that it would be an open fire, what we didn’t know was that the eldest child (me!) was supposed to light the fire – whoa. Thankfully, my mum stepped up and lit it for me – it was poetic really given their past!
Anyway, grief is a journey, so it is very fitting that you have turned to running. But while you can run faster, you can’t hurry the process. You wont leave pain behind, you’ll carry it with you – and that’s ok.
Sending all my love xxx
Catherine Rodie Blagg recently posted..To 2013, with love
Everyone deals with grief in their own way and yours sounds lovely. I think your cousin would be very happy to know how you celebrated her life! xx Lucy #TeamIBOT
Lucy @ Bake Play Smile recently posted..Holiday Snaps!
The way we express our grief is as unique as we are. What a lovely way to honour your cousin. Sending you lots of hugs xx
Lauren @ Createbakemake recently posted..Through your eyes – at the beach
What a wonderful way to celebrate your grief Grace. xo
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Grief is a really personal thing and people deal with it in their own way. Some unfortunately don’t or perhaps can’t deal with it. I love the way you have grieved, if it is working, it is the perfect choice for you. The Tor Tor dance sounds fascinating, so very difficult to anything I have experienced with death. I think it sounds pretty fitting actually. #teamIBOT
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Beautiful stuff Grace. I suspect you are 100% correct. xxx
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I think that is the only way to get through grief, by making sure we honour that persons death by living our lives to the absolute fullest and making every minute we have count. It’s the least we can do for them and one of the best things we can do for ourselves. 2013 was a year of loss for my family but I refuse to let that dampen my spirit, and if I’m honest, it’s actually what’s spurred me to want to make the absolute most of 2014 and beyond. Death can take anyone at any time, and I want to know that the life I have I am using to its absolute potential. I want my girls to see that life is a precious gift, not to be taken for granted.
Run, girl, run, and know that we are all cheering you on! xxx
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That was truly beautifully written Grace. It’s so true that without the pain of grief we can’t feel life.
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Its like what Prince William said in Christchurch ” Grief is the price we pay for love”.
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Oh Grace, sorry for your loss. I love running too for the stress release and also for celebrating life.
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Good one you Grace. I say grief can be morphed into celebration of life and I reckon that is what the people being mourned would want. Run hard, dance like no-one is watching, jump off bridges, suck the marrow out of life and your cousin will be watching.
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Good on you, Grace. You are inspirational! I have loved learning more about the Indonesian culture too. I have a friend who lives over there with her Indonesian husband and she helps educate me on the traditions also. I love the idea of dancing at a funeral. I definitely want people to do that at mine 🙂
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This was so beautiful Grace. What a wonderful way to honour your family, whilst also dealing with your own emotions.
Obviously it’s got physical advantages too. The endorphins would be helping you to work through the pain as much as the rest of it. Keep running chicka xx
EssentiallyJess recently posted..Upside Down Upside Down #IBOT
Oh Grace this is so so beautiful. You made me well up. It really does not matter that we do not attend their ceremony they can hear our goodbyes wherever we are. You are finding your own way to deal with your heartache and grief and this is the beat path to healing. I love your positivity and determination.
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Dear Grace. So sorry to hear there’s been such great loss in your family. I never judge different cultural traditions around death. I’ve often wondered why more don’t “celebrate” the life of the loved one they’ve lost. Dancing is not too far removed from the traditional Irish wake, is it? xxx
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Oh Grace, what a fantastic outlook you have, and I totally agree, having lost two people I was very close to – it really does make you appreciate the preciousness of life. Death is about life, it teaches us to live, embrace and have fun with life. Hugs to you during this sad time, and also love the idea of dancing around a funeral, why not?? xx
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Loved your story Grace, loved that we can share our grief in so many different ways and that you picked what was right for you. xxx Rae
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You go Girl!! I can so picture you running down the street, in memory of your cousin and smiling for her.
Living your life to the fullest – perfect way to honour your cousin life. Perfect way to deal with Grief, and I am so glad you are going out there and jumping into that freezing cold water…..Grace you are such an inspiration to me xxx
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Beautiful Grace, I think you honour your cousin’s memory proudly. The Indonesian rituals your family observe sound similar in many ways to the ones my hubby’s Maori family observe and I’ve always thought of their way of doing things as so much more natural and healthy than the uptight, hide away way that I was brought up to observe death.
Take it easy with the jumping off piers tho huh?!
Emma Fahy Davis recently posted..The Uneasy Stay-At-Home-Mum
I love different cultures and often find our westernised traditions around things quite boring. Let’s face it, it’s tradition to get blind drunk at weddings – how romantic. Our funerals and wakes are depressing and morbid (and again drink-fuelled). I think life should be celebrated, even in death, but I guess people are just so damn sad that it is really hard to even try to appear happy and celebratory. Sending you lots of love Grace. xo
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Good for you! It’s taken me nearly two years after my mother’s death to reach this same realisation. Looking at my mum’s life, in admiration, has inspired me to be the person that I’ve always wanted to be, and thought I couldn’t. I’m now all about living my life my way – truly *living* – both as an honour and celebration of her life, and also for my own good.
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And no doubt she would be ever so proud of you darling Grace, while her spirit ran along beside you. xx
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It is amazing learning about other cultures, the differences in belief and rituals make the world amazing, but strangely enough causes the most conflict too between races. Shame that. Happy that you have found solace in running to help with your grief and jumping off jetties 😉 xxx
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A wonderfully written post – I am sure Kak Rytha will be looking down on you with a beautiful smile 🙂 Take care Grace X
Thank you for sharing from your heart. Late hugs but still genuine hugs your way.
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