The cursor on my blank page has been blinking for an uncomfortable pause, waiting for me to just get on with it; to let you all know that this will be the last FYBF for an indefinite period.

Unlike the crazy internet storms over the past week, there’s been no drama behind my decision.

Some of you may recall that I’m starting up a passion project in the world of podcasting. There’s also some casual work that’s keeping me busy but also providing some pocket money for my notebooks and shoes fetish.

However, almost four and a half years of hosting FYBF, I figured it’s a perfect time for new beginnings.

I want to truly thank all of you for well, everything. FYBF has been a HUGE part of my week and every week I feel the support, encouragement and love. Yeah, yeah, I’m sounding a little wanky but eff it. It’s true.

You guys have been my lifeline for so many chapters in my life – mourning over the sudden death of my cousin, the nervousness of returning to the work force, celebrating alongside me for all my kids’ milestones.

So many ebbs and flows. You were all there.

I’ve made some solid friendships through the years. Dang, I met my best friend here (Ain’t no midlife crisis going on in this photo!) How lucky can one blogger get?

And because FYBF has always given me the platform to freely express myself and talk about all the stuff that really matters to me – multiculturalism, Indonesia, especially badass Indonesian women – I leave you with this wonderful chick.

A female Muslim Indonesian stand up comedian, Saukdiyah was on Lateline earlier this week. She is charming, witty and whip smart.

Growing up in a conservative Muslim family she wasn’t allowed to do much but her parents did let her watch Western shows like Roseanne and Seinfeld. And that’s how she learned English and discovered her love for comedy,

Then, last year she one the Prize for Creative Dissent at the Oslo Freedom Forum.

She’s even done a Tedx Talk.

For all the crap we’ve had to endure on the internet of late, alhumdulillah for Sakdiyah.

Keep spreading the love, peeps.

 

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Moaning to my running coach the other week, I couldn’t quite explain why all of a sudden running was just a laborious chore. My legs were fine. No sustaining injuries (touch wood).

So how did I go from nailing 3 half marathons and a couple of other fun runs to nada? Nyet. Nix.

Her answer ended up being my question.

“Grace, you’ve just done 3 half marathons. Give yourself a break!”

I hadn’t given myself a chance to sit back and reflect. Or recover.

Zoey reminded me just how much mental effort it takes sometimes to run 21 kms, a household or just life in general.

Mah brain be all pooped out.

Around this time last year, life was frantic with a part time sales job. I was also gung ho about training for a marathon then my plans went ker-splat around the time my ankle did.

When mentioning to a colleague at the time (who also happens to be a naturopath) how weird it was that my ankle just suddenly caved in, she said matter of fact, “You were obviously exhausted but your brain didn’t realise it.”

I don’t know about you but I am freaking out that after today, we only have 9 Fridays till Christmas. Eek!

For me, there tends to be a frantic crescendo of personal dramas and misgivings around this time of year that carry through to Christmas.

The scale of frantic may measure differently in all our lives but the struggle is real just the same.

I have no solutions on how to deal with the exhaustion or stress. (Man, I’m still trying to figure out to stop my eye twitch. I hear magnesium helps).

But I will just say, let’s all be aware and kind to ourselves these coming months.

Let’s just get to Christmas with as little tired brain as possible.

If anything, this post is a self reminder to keep my mental energy on reserves; to stay focused on what I can control and let go of what I can’t.

What’s your solution for mental fatigue? Got one for eye twitches? Ready for Christmas?

 

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1. Follow With Some Grace.

2. Sign up to the awesome Digital Parents community ( if you haven’t already done so). DP was created by Brenda Gaddi who happens to be the creator of FYBF. She’s also created 4 gorgeous kidlets. In case you’d like to know. Or maybe not. But we’ll share that info just the same.

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To break up the school holiday monotony and the boys’ attempts to punch each other’s lights out, we decided to go for a staycation in a city hotel.

Mr Surfer found some great cheap deals. Even at highly acclaimed 5 star hotels.

Our criteria wasn’t too demanding – a clean, spacious, airy twin double room with bathtub for me to have nice, relaxing soaks. For the boys, we just wanted full access to an indoor pool. Not much, right?

We checked in to the hotel promptly at 2pm. Room wasn’t ready. Okay.

When the room is finally ready, we discover it’s a shoebox.

The beds were barely king singles. Only big enough for the boys to jump on them like maniacs.

Mr Surfer went downstairs to complain the pool was super freezing cold.

Note to all hotels: Don’t advertise a heated indoor pool when it’s not because you’re actually more interested in cutting costs at the expense of your guests. Oh, and don’t call yourself five star when in harsh reality you’re a three.

Things picked up a little with the complimentary bottle of champagne.

Although, it only made one quarter of the family happy, namely me. Mr Surfer was still super mad that nothing was being done about the pool.

Just as I was about to sit back and relax with my bubbles, out the window was a peculiar sight. Looking straight into the neighbouring building of apartments, I did a double take to make sure that there was actually a stark naked man, spreading out his blue yoga mat and changing channels on his TV.

Woah. Free entertainment with my complimentary champagne!

Mr Surfer was still feeling completely ripped off, though. Rightly so.

I managed to guzzle down another two glasses before we left and cancelled our booking.

And that my friends, is how NOT to do a family getaway in the city.

Ever had a crappy hotel experience? Was it fixed with complimentary champagne? Ever done naked yoga?

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1. Follow With Some Grace.

2. Sign up to the awesome Digital Parents community ( if you haven’t already done so). DP was created by Brenda Gaddi who happens to be the creator of FYBF. She’s also created 4 gorgeous kidlets. In case you’d like to know. Or maybe not. But we’ll share that info just the same.

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Along with a team of clever, quick-witted and talented women, I’ve started working on a new project. A passion project, you could say.

It’s been quietly baking for a little while now. Just needs a little bit more time in the oven before laying it out for everyone to enjoy.

Part of the preparation was to hang out at the ABC Sydney studios and attend #OzPod2016, Australia’s inaugural podcast conference. #itsatoughlife

And with that, I also introduce Her Radio – an independent podcast network by women for women. Brenda Emma, Maria and I are going to share personal stories with a level of depth that, dare I say, I’m a little nervous about. But these nerves come with the package of taking big risks. I’d rather take the risk than leave it to regret…and silence.

And that, I discovered is the beauty of podcasting – the extra dimension entirely left open for vulnerability and intimacy. A chance to go deep. Very deep.

Highlight of #OzPod2016 was the conversation I had with the man of Conversations himself, Richard Fidler. It kinda went something like this…

Me to Richard Fidler: We’re both ANU (Australian National University) graduates!

RF: Oh, really? Yes but I’m sure I was there much, much earlier than you were! I graduated 1995…

Me: I was 1998!

RF: NO! You look so young!

Me: *Swwwooooooon*

RF: Right then, lovely to meet you. I’m off drinking!

Me: *Swwwwooooooooon*

Check out that stupid high school girl crush grin.

So, I’ll leave it here for now. Like any good baker, I’m going to stop opening the oven door and just let things rise. There’s a whole lot more on the side to prepare but hey, feel free to join the ride.

We’re going deep, people.

What podcasts are you listening to these days? Familiar with Richard Fidler and ABC Radio’s Conversations?

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1. Follow With Some Grace.

2. Sign up to the awesome Digital Parents community ( if you haven’t already done so). DP was created by Brenda Gaddi who happens to be the creator of FYBF. She’s also created 4 gorgeous kidlets. In case you’d like to know. Or maybe not. But we’ll share that info just the same.

3. Add your post URL to the FYBF linky. Please only link up one post.

4. Grab the funky FYBF button and post it on your sidebar. Help spread the blogfloggin love.

5. Visit the blogs of your fellow FYBF’ers and share the comment love

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1. Follow With Some Grace.

2. Sign up to the awesome Digital Parents community ( if you haven’t already done so). DP was created by Brenda Gaddi who happens to be the creator of FYBF. She’s also created 4 gorgeous kidlets. In case you’d like to know. Or maybe not. But we’ll share that info just the same.

3. Add your post URL to the FYBF linky. Please only link up one post.

4. Grab the funky FYBF button and post it on your sidebar. Help spread the blogfloggin love.

5. Visit the blogs of your fellow FYBF’ers and share the comment love

Having finished my creative writing course, I wish that at the beginning of it, I had given myself the same advice I gave my boy when he told me he didn’t want to go to the School Sports Carnival.

I gave him the standard parental advice about the importance of trying, to give things a go. Winning isn’t everything, I explained and that even for me, no matter how many running races I complete, I’m never first.

He gave me a discerning look, “Why even bother, Mama???”

Yes, why even bother, indeed.

Walking into that first writing class, I was shit scared, caught up in detrimental thoughts of not being good enough or feared of being judged.

But I walked away with valuable lessons about trusting your creativity process and keep the negative voices at bay.

Use pen and paper 

It sounds so old school but oh wow, how liberating! To sit for 20 minutes at a time and let my imagination take over and have my hand almost dance across the page! Then finishing up with a sore, cramped hand? What a weird yet accomplished feeling!

Give yourself permission to write junk

Mr Surfer is always giving me a hard time about my collection of notebooks. I keep buying them and yet, they’re all still empty and unused. Despite good intentions to write, there was the lingering fear of writing shit. But guess what? Even Ernest Hemingway wrote shit. So now I have at least 2 notebooks full of shit. My husband will be so proud.

Steal time to write

I often moan about how little time I have to write – kids, part-time work, But funnily I managed to make time to do the daily we were set with daily homework. Sure, I watched less TV and went off-line more often but now I know I can’t be making any more excuses.

I don’t know where all this writing is going to take me. It might take me nowhere. But what’s most important is that I let my imagination go on any journey it wants to.

Enjoy the ride. Don’t worry about the destination.

Do you let yourself write junk? Got a weakness for buying notebooks and other unnecessary stationary?

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1. Follow With Some Grace.

2. Sign up to the awesome Digital Parents community ( if you haven’t already done so). DP was created by Brenda Gaddi who happens to be the creator of FYBF. She’s also created 4 gorgeous kidlets. In case you’d like to know. Or maybe not. But we’ll share that info just the same.

3. Add your post URL to the FYBF linky. Please only link up one post.

4. Grab the funky FYBF button and post it on your sidebar. Help spread the blogfloggin love.

5. Visit the blogs of your fellow FYBF’ers and share the comment love

How nice is it to be a kid, right? No worries or responsibilities. There’s so much exploring and discovering to do in this world, unconditional love in a stable environment. School, lunch, dress up as piranha or T-Rex for Book Week. Hometime.

Almost at the end of our Kindy year, I’ve established a more tarnished view.

I still see my twinions as innocent babies (yes, perhaps I always will) but once in a while, we encounter a new situation where we ask them, “Is it a new feeling?”

The tricky part is guiding my little ones weave and work through them.

I often forget. Being six is bloody overwhelming.

EmpoweringResources are a specialist publisher of children’s books that generate meaningful dialogue on sensitive, relevant and important topics such as body safety, emotional health and trust.

“A Secret Safe To Tell” is written by primary school teacher Naomi Hunter who herself is a victim of child sexual abuse. Struggling to speak about it for years, Naomi suffered post trauma stress disorder and anorexia. In writing her book, Naomi is passionate about teaching body safety to children.

Snuggled together one sick day from school, I read it to the boys. The book’s gentle approach and sensitive nature kept them attentive and engaged.

Afterwards we had a brief but important discussion about how they need to tell me (or someone) when they don’t feel safe, especially if something (or someone) hurts their heart or other parts of their body.

It’s a conversation I struggle to have with my kids. I don’t think I’m alone there. But I found “A Secret Safe To Tell” to be a nurturing tool for parents just as much as children.

For those with, or know of children who have been affected by abuse and seeking counselling, please call:

Kids Help Line: 1800 551 800

Australian Childhood Foundation: 1800 176 453

Child Abuse Prevention Service (CAPS): 1800 688 009

 

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1. Follow With Some Grace.

2. Sign up to the awesome Digital Parents community ( if you haven’t already done so). DP was created by Brenda Gaddi who happens to be the creator of FYBF. She’s also created 4 gorgeous kidlets. In case you’d like to know. Or maybe not. But we’ll share that info just the same.

3. Add your post URL to the FYBF linky. Please only link up one post.

4. Grab the funky FYBF button and post it on your sidebar. Help spread the blogfloggin love.

5. Visit the blogs of your fellow FYBF’ers and share the comment love

So there was this one time on Facebook I entered a random competition for movie premiere tickets to Bridget Jones’ Baby…and won!

Who doesn’t love Bridget??!!!

She’s clumsy, messy, imperfect and I instantly loved her 15 years ago when she first came into my own messy, heartbroken, forever fatalistic and a spinster life.

It was a little cheeky that I didn’t think twice it was happening on Father’s Day. I didn’t even feel guilty bringing my bestie as my plus one (Sorry, Mr Surfer).

Husbands are long suffering but when it comes to losing oneself in reenacting the ‘All By Myself’ lounge room scene, your bestie will steadfastly stand by you. Dying of embarrassment, no less.

Yeah, okay…I probably got carried away but some video editor liked the cray cray…(’Look mum, I’m on camera!’) so, yeah…“GO BRIDGET!”

I laughed, I cried. Full of emotion, B and I even held hands in the dark. (Yes, in the totally creepy way).

Forever #TeamDarcy, the popcorn and champagne may – I said may – have caused me to flip sides to #TeamMcDreamy. Just for a split moment.

Sure, I’m no longer by myself. I found my Mr Darcy but I am fell in love with this movie. I’ll definitely see it again…even if it’s all by myself.

Are you a Bridget Jones fan? On #TeamDarcy? Who will you take to see it?

I’ve decided lately to start looking out for and heeding to signs. Sorry to throw the general random at you but allow me to explain.

A couple of weeks ago, my old boss sent a text saying there was a part time Sales Admin position opening up, would I be interested? Straight-forward desk job with mundane yet critical to the business responsibilities.

No chance to work from home, though.

Four hours a day, the job could be done while lying on a bed of nails. Why say no to relaxing acupuncture?

Yet, it was four hours that would eat into creative projects. Not only would it steal time but also my mental and emotional capacity.

And before making a decision to take the job, I had to think about what was I feared the most:

1. Failing at becoming a writer
2. Surrendering to the corporate world because that was easier than dealing with the fear of failing as a writer

Sense the fear? Not much sleep was happening that week.

Sydney’s Fringe Comedy Festival has started and to show my support (totes complete with solo fangirl Mexican wave), I went to see my comedian friend, Jennifer Wong’s show, “Feel the Fear and Fear It Anyway”

I wasn’t going to go but then I thought about my lookout for signs. They don’t provide any straight-up  answers but there’s the possibility of seeing things in a different perspective.

If Jen could talk about fear through comedy, I needed to hear about it.

So there we were in a shipping container cum stand up comedy venue with a stage and spotlights. Things were a little tight and claustrophobic in there but that all became peripheral once Jen came on stage.

Her accounts were raw and honest. I actually hadn’t known that side to her which reminded me of that great quote:

There’s a kind of bizarre comfort knowing that you’re not the only one. Ultimately when it comes to the roller coaster that be fear, we’re all just trying to hang on. Get through to the other side.

I turned down the job and last week started a creative writing course. Wish me luck. Or show me a sign.

Do you look out for signs? Been on the roller coaster lately? Fan of stand up comedy?

 

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1. Follow With Some Grace.

2. Sign up to the awesome Digital Parents community ( if you haven’t already done so). DP was created by Brenda Gaddi who happens to be the creator of FYBF. She’s also created 4 gorgeous kidlets. In case you’d like to know. Or maybe not. But we’ll share that info just the same.

3. Add your post URL to the FYBF linky. Please only link up one post.

4. Grab the funky FYBF button and post it on your sidebar. Help spread the blogfloggin love.

5. Visit the blogs of your fellow FYBF’ers and share the comment love

Waking up on the morning of my 45^th birthday, I wasn’t sure what to feel. Do I celebrate? Commiserate? Do I look back with regret in what I haven’t yet achieved? Do I look forward in fear with the thought of growing even older?

Then my boys jumped into bed with us and it was time up for deep morbid thoughts.

The day was pretty much like any other, except perhaps for the steady flow of awesome birthday messages on Facebook.

There are a few topics my husband and I light heartedly disagree and one is the authenticity of Facebook friends.

“How sincere is a short birthday message on Facebook?” he argues.

“Why assume that it’s nothing short of sincerity? They don’t have to send anything, if they don’t want ” is my comeback.

We happily agree to disagree.

I headed to the gym where I was greeted with lots of well wishes from the personal trainers and other clients. My PT even pumped up Stevie Wonder’s “Happy Birthday” to get into the festive spirit (and yet, to torture me again).

And because I could easily be the same age of most of these trainer’s mothers, there’s this inner desire to prove myself.

In the midst of high energy punching, boxing and kicking, my sweaty face looked up at my trainer and between hurried breaths, I muttered:

“45 and badass”

So that’s how I’m approaching my 45^th year on this earth, with uncompromising and relentless baddassery.

Like most women, I am not one that comes to the mid 40’s table without my fair share of battle scars, remnants of relationship breakdowns and struggles with letting shit go.

I’ve been completely broke – financially and emotionally -in a foreign country and still somehow managed to survive.

Despite all the health scares and the high risks throughout, my body made it through giving birth to two lives.

All those Facebook messages are the makeup of who I am today. Each person who took their time (no matter how brief, no matter how convenient Facebook makes it) to just congratulate me for another year, all hold some significance in my journey to get to the badass I am today.

And for that I am grateful. And for that I say, “45? Bring it”

Tell me, what makes you badass?

 

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1. Follow With Some Grace.

2. Sign up to the awesome Digital Parents community ( if you haven’t already done so). DP was created by Brenda Gaddi who happens to be the creator of FYBF. She’s also created 4 gorgeous kidlets. In case you’d like to know. Or maybe not. But we’ll share that info just the same.

3. Add your post URL to the FYBF linky. Please only link up one post.

4. Grab the funky FYBF button and post it on your sidebar. Help spread the blogfloggin love.

5. Visit the blogs of your fellow FYBF’ers and share the comment love