I’ve been extremely fortunate to have people look out for me, especially during the dark times of late.
A few friends from the blogging world have taken time out of their busy schedules to drop me a line, asking me how I am. It means a lot.
I wish though, there was an emotions thermometer that could better define what I’m going through and allow me to answer more adequately than with a vague, “You know, ups and downs. Taking it day by day…”
But yeah, grief’s a bitch like that.
Just when you start feeling an inkling of hope and recovery, the next day it pounces from nowhere, piercing your already broken heart. Again.
Last week it was exactly a year since I saw her last. I remember every word of our conversation, what we ate, what we joked about.
I think of the tears she wiped from my cheeks when I said goodbye, teasing me for being such a wuss.
“We’ll see each other next year, okay???”
Last Friday, was our 5th wedding anniversary and I look through the photos of my dress, and she’s there.
Knowing she wouldn’t be able to make it, she did the next best thing.
Generously giving up her own time, she travelled all around Indonesia, searching for the perfect batik painter to design the pattern and material for my train. It took her months, she had to make countless trips but she selflessly did it all for me.
Meditation has helped a lot. I’ve mentioned it before but it really has bought some peace.
I spend 15 minutes with a tiny scented candle by my bed and just for that time, I try to put the grief and sadness for her two orphaned children aside and channel all my thoughts to her.
I focus on my love for her, how it remains steadfast and solid. I take comfort in knowing that I was part of her life and she of mine.
It may sound futile. I guess anything that isn’t tangible can be that way.
Even love.
But in the most tragic and saddest of days; in the darkest hours of grief, it still exists.
Love will prevail.
And yeah, I’m doing okay. I’ll be okay. Never the same, but okay.
Thanks for asking.
Joining Essentially Jess for #IBOT
Oh, Grace. Hugs. Chocolate. More hugs. You are so beautiful, inside and out. Thank you for sharing this post with us. Sending all my love across the land and across the interweb. xxx
Emily recently posted..The Best, Best Baby! – Georgie Birkett and Anthea Simmons (children’s book review)
Oh Grace – I just want to reach through the screen and give you a cyber hug. Grief can be such a horrible, awful feeling. Remember the good times too! xx
Lucy @ Bake Play Smile recently posted..Lemon & Coconut Slice – New & Improved
My darling friend. I know it’s been hard for you (and still is), but I can’t help thinking what a beautiful heart you have and what a truly special relationship you have with your cousin…still. Love prevails for sure xx
kirri recently posted..The stigma of loneliness
Massive hugs. I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how you are doing.
Raych aka Mystery Case recently posted..Our 19th Wedding Anniversary Surprise
Oh Grace, I I’ve been reading your posts lately with a heavy heart and have wanted to leave a comment but never seemed to find the right words to say. So, here’s a hug. And you’re right, love always prevails. Hold that thought xx
I just can’t even. I am so sad for you. So sad for your family. I just want to squish you. And drink red wine. I like red wine. And you. In the same room.
Daisy recently posted..Mrs P posts: The Magic Door Giveaway Bundle
Really hard to know what to say in times like these but big hugs Mama Grace, and if you ever need someone to just rumble or talk too.. feel free to drop me a mail anytime. I’m kinda far but would love to chat anytime 🙂
Ai Sakura recently posted..Dream a Little Dream with Me
I couldn’t read without commenting. Grieving sux balls. It’s coming up to the one year anniversary since my father in law passed away and even though he is my father in law he is always on my mind. Just thinking about all the things he will and has missed watching his grandchildren growing. He wont get to be able to see my daughter in her year 6 formal dress or proud of her going into high school. Breaks my heart every time i think of it.
He is, was the best father in law and grandfather anyone could have seriously.
Feeling for you, Grace. Grief is cold and hard and lonely. Your loss is huge. Grieve as long as you have to. And know that your friends are here. Lots of love. xxx
Deb @ Bright and Precious recently posted..A Gruffalo Party
Grief sucks. For me, it’s nothing that ever passes, it just becomes something you live with. A part of you. I hope you have lots of support IRL as well as on here. Thinking of you x
Amy recently posted..Open Letter to Julien Blanc
Hugs. It’s such a tragedy for everyone involved. I’m so sorry for your loss. Thanks for linking with #IBOT x
Bec @ Seeing the Lighter Side of Parenting recently posted..How to stop your kids from getting sick – giveaway
She sounds like such a beautiful lady, and your train was gorgeous. It is lovely that you can write about her and beautiful that you shared your thoughts with us. Big hugs 0x0x0x0x
floodproofmum recently posted..Social Media After A Marriage Break Up
Grace, what a truly beautiful and loving thing she did for you with your wedding dress. There, you can hold her love in your hands. I don’t know what to tell you, I have lived with grief for over half of my life now, and it doesn’t go away, it kind of seeps into your bones to become part of the material of what makes you you. I can tell you that your love, like your grief, doesn’t fade, and that is some small consolation. There is a Pablo Neruda sonnet which, since I discovered it about 15 years ago, I have passed on to people heartbroken by grief. I will send it to you, and you will cry but you will be richer for it. Love x
Dani @ sand has no home recently posted..Past Where the Blue Meets the Deep Green
Gorgeous Grace I’m sending you virtual hugs and will keep you and your family in my prayers. There is no timeframe for grief. I keep thinking of the two orphaned children and the grief they must be experiencing too. All I can pray for is strength and comfort. Xxoo
Bec @ The Plumbette recently posted..My Week of Crap
Sending big hugs to you Grace. xxoo
Julie @ Off to the park recently posted..Spending time with my favourite people
I have goosies and when you met up with Brenda I asked her to give you a big hug from me because I had a feeling you were doing it particularly tough. Hugs my friend as I know words can’t heal. Love across the wires xx
Emily @ Have A Laugh On Me recently posted..Forget the side-boob let’s embrace the low boob!
God, that’s beautiful and sad at the same time. The deeper the love, the stronger & longer the grief. But I guess that’s exactly, as you say, the thing to focus on. I’m thinking of you and hoping there are moments of relief in even the blackest of days.
Hugest hugs to you my lovely. You will be ok, but don’t rush the grieving process. Thinking of you and I’m only across the bridge if you need any help x
Robyn recently posted..Are we too busy?
What an amazing woman. Thinking of you lovely lady x
Bele @ BlahBlah recently posted..Homemade tinted lip balm good enough to eat
Oh Grace! Big hugs…it probably won’t get easier but you have wonderful memories to remember her by. Take care. xx
Sanch @ Living my imperfect life recently posted..A fairy tale
My heart aches for you reading the pain in your words Grace. You write about your pain so beautifully I guess that comes from living it and knowing it you write the truth. Sending you big love.
Druimé @SnippetsandSpirits recently posted..Comfort Zones and Mystery Case
All the love to you sweet Grace xxxx
Vicki @ Knocked Up and Abroad recently posted..Life Of Late, Photo Style
Grace, thinking of you as you navigate this brutal time.
Comforting Blessing
May you see the light in the darkness during these challenging times.
May you feel the loving presence of those who hold you in their thoughts and prayers.
May your spirit find what it needs to sustain you on this journey.
May you discover your inner strength and face all difficulties with dignity and grace.
May you be filled with comfort, love, strength, grace and a lasting sense of peace.
© 2005. Kirsti A. Dyer MD, MS, FT
Trish recently posted..Wordless Wednesday : Pan Pacific Masters Games – If you think a minute goes quickly
Sending you heaps and heaps of love Grace. This brought a tear to my eye. It is so hard when a piece of our heart breaks, never to be healed again. xo
Aroha @ Colours of Sunset recently posted..A Poppy for my Poppa
Thinking of you and sending love, light and positive thoughts at this time, Grace xx
Becky from BeckyandJames recently posted..My boy is 4
Hey lovely, just popping back to say I’ve been thinking of you and am hoping the sun is shining on your face today. xx
Lucy @ Bake Play Smile recently posted..Beef & Bacon Burgers
Oh Grace…I don’t have any words at all. Just big hugs for ya hun. xx
EssentiallyJess recently posted..Of Perspective and #MummyHacks
Grace, my heart aches for your heart. No words are enough, just know I’m sending love and light to you xx
Lisa@RandomActsOfZen recently posted..Feel Like Sharing?
So sorry for your loss Grace. Grief is a hard thing to live with. Hugs to you. Hope you find peace in your own memories soon xx
Love the last line of that quote with the amazing sunset. I can imagine she will be one of the first people in line to greet you when your time has come xx
Alicia O’Brien recently posted..Water works and birthday parties, with bit of snot thrown in.