For better or worse, I was never part of a mothers’ group.
The care we received while the twinlets were in NICU was priceless. I had a fantastic mid-wife who was solely dedicated to paying us home visits in those early months, saving me the stress from trying to get twins to a baby clinic on my own.
Just before discharging, I was given a long list of contact numbers – even one for an Indonesian speaking social worker if I was to ever seek support. (Only necessary I thought, if I my Indo needed practise. Not high on the agenda at that stage).
Despite all of this, there was no twins Mothers Group available.
Trying to join a normal singleton local group, I was given the face palm.
Apparently, my twins would “disrupt the dynamics” of the group.
Or something to that effect. Blah, blah, blah…
Despite the other things I’ve missed out on in life – like a raucous hen’s party, a BFF to share my wedding preparation joys, a normal, low-risk pregnancy with a straight forward labour and vaginal birth, I’ve never felt deprived.
I just figure, you make do with what you have; embrace the alternate route you need to take; and fill that void with other forms of awesomeness.
Simple, right?
But I do remember when finally free from being house-bound, I yearned for social interaction.
A daily outing to the local shops and lunch at the coffee shop would be the closest thing to seeing humans .
Sitting at the outside corner table with the twinlets as my lunch buddies, I would secretly hope that a nice passerby would stick around, have a chat.
A few other mothers would stop, smile and strike up a conversation – which I would lap up like a desperate puppy dog.
It was a total score if we exchanged phone numbers.
“I hang out with some other mothers every week, you should come along to the next one,” they said sweetly, with a tinge of sympathy.
“Oh, I’d love that!”
Easy, Grace. Don’t appear too keen, now.
I’d go home with a spring in my step, thinking I hit the jackpot.
But that phone call never came. And disappointment would sink back into my days of seclusion and loneliness.
One day, a bubbly lady walked by, stopped in her tracks.
Finding out she had a boy of the same age, she told me about a local playgroup she attended with another mummy friend.
I almost feel off my chair when she actually texted me and invited me to come along with them.
And with that, the three of us became fast friends.
Being mums in the “older age” bracket, with boys all of the same age, there were already a few common denominators.
But being a mum for a while now, I realize that your kids can’t be the only connection to a mummy friendship.
I wish I could pinpoint what determines its foundation but all I can say is that it happens when you least expect.
You find it and you run with it. There’s no room to pine for what never was; or to wish for what could’ve been. You graciously take what you’re given and make it your alternate route to awesomeness.
Guaranteed you won’t be disappointed.
What alternate route to awesomeness have you taken lately?
Joining Essentially Jess for #IBOT
Disrupt the dynamics? That’s terrible, Grace. We had twins in our mothers’ group for a while (they’ve since moved away from the area) and it was invaluable for all of us!
I’ve started asking for numbers at the park now. (Sounds creepy!) If Ashleigh hits it off with someone and they want to meet up again, I just ask. I never even used to ask names! I still get nervous. It’s almost like dating!
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I cant believe you were rejected by the mothers group. That’s just uncalled for. You would have been most welcomed in our Mums group.
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I feel as though I’ve been taking the alternate route since the day I left home. Everything from marriage, kids and home life to my career and how I ended up here feels slightly left of centre. I didn’t have the benefit of a Baby group when my first was born as we moved states when he was 2 weeks old and I didn’t have a antenatal group to morph with (In the town I was in antenatal groups became the mothers group so if you weren’t pregnant with them, you didn’t play with them).
Raising an Aspergers child pretty much guarantees an alternate route to parenting, but I have to say I think I am a better parent for having that experience. I’ve had to let go of many preconceived ideas of how a child or a family should look. Life keeps serving up the lessons !
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What a shame that they wouldn’t assign you to a mums group! We have two sets of twins in 0urs and it’s awesome – no disruptions at all – 3 years on! I’m glad you made a connection though 😀
Mummy groups are a funny thing. I attended one when Nick was 7 weeks old, and I’m so glad I did because it was led me to meeting Emily at Have a Laugh on Me and our friend Nessy. But there were certainly some mums there, and at another one I attended a couple years later, who were nothing but stuck up beeeeyatches! I’m lucky I live where I grew up, and have high school friends I’m still in touch with, it is so hard to make and *keep* new friends once you’re older and a parent. I’m glad you found your girls! We mamas need all the support we can get. xo Aroha
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I remember being told I couldn’t join a mother’s group with my second child even though we were new to the area, because all new mother’s groups were for first time mums only. I eventually found a playgroup for mums with depression and anxiety and made some good friends. Sadly, I am no longer in contact with them, as we no longer live in the same area.
So glad you’ve found the friends you needed.
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Mother’s groups are fraught with danger! Haha I had a mothers group with my first child, but everyone went back to work so that was the end of that. When we moved suburbs with my 2nd child, I found a playgroup which has been fantastic. I have about 8-10 ladies in my group who are lovely (And we had two sets of twins in our group-no trouble at all) I have always taken “the long way round”to achieve my awesomeness, my life is never straight forward which means its more interesting, has more adventures, & more experiences. There is always a plus side Grace!!
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I’ll try to put this to good use immediately.
Apparently this is what the esteemed Willis was talkin’ ’bout.
That’s an expert answer to an interesting question
I remember after my oldest was born, one lady from the antenatal group emailed for a catch up. He must have only been a month or two old, but I was so desperate for some social interaction I read the email about three times, looked up the location on google maps and dreamed about what great friends we would become!
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I never had much luck with playgroups and never made any real friends there; they all seemed very cliquey to me. I so identify with your feelings of loneliness and desperation for social interaction as a new mum though. I was living (still do!) on the other side of town to my BF from high school and my sister; and had no real friends or support network here in the Redlands.
Fortunately after 23 years here in the Redlands, that’s no longer the case 🙂
Visiting from #TeamIBOT – just call me Xena, Warrior Princess!
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Hello Grace, there’s still time to join your local AMBA group!! Is there one near you? I know the South Sydney group is very active. My twin mum pals saved my sanity on many occasions. Hell, they still do!
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I have been so blessed to be apart of a church that runs amazing groups for new mothers and mothers with toddlers and older. I can’t believe you weren’t allowed to attend a mothers group. With twins but I’m so glad your alternate route helped you find amazing friends. There’s always a reason why doors are closed, it’s because the windows open with something that’s better.
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Oh Grace. Tears in my eyes as I read this. I had a horrible experience too trying to literally squish the twins and I into a mothers group that was not the right fit for a multiple mumma.
xxxxxxxooooooooxxxxxxxx man so many of these. I can still remember the day crystal clear driving home crying my eyes out feeling like we didn’t fit in anywhere, and knowing that it was sort of true and not me just being an emotional mess, we literally didn’t fit in anywhere lol.
I wrote a little bit about it here: https://sitdownmummy.com/2013/02/05/things-i-have-learnt-about-twins-who-has-the-best-advice-and-help/ it felt so good getting it down and out.
Isolation hurts your heart hey.
And sometimes the best connections come from where you least expect them.
Katy xx
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It’s funny how some people you just click with and others you don’t, isn’t it?
I have been to a few playgroups in my time but only one of them did I make a great friend at. Then she moved away, but that’s just Darwin for you.
Now I hang out with Rhianna from A Parenting Life at our PG, and it’s pretty darn perfect 🙂
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I totally would have stopped and gushed and gone – “and I thought I had it hard” and within two hours we would have been eating donuts/coffee and exchanging numbers and planning a night out! I didn’t really like play groups they were a bit ‘awkward’ so maybe it was a blessing in disguise! xxx
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That photo of you with the twins is priceless Grace. Love it. And my goodness, who told you twins would disrupt the harmony of the group. I think you would have taught the singleton mums a thing or two about baby wrangling times two. Put a few things into perspective for those with one, like me. Great you found those beautiful ladies. xx
Sometimes we find just what we need, in the most unexpected places. I agree – often it happens when we have no expectations, we just happen to be open to to the possibilities.
On another note – didn’t the other mums group SEE your boys and not fall in love immediately? pfft.
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Oh Grace, I would have stopped and you never would have got rid of me, I hate to see anyone alone. Thank goodness for your gorgeous new friends. I met a few lovely mums at Bell’s kindermusik class and we made our own informal playgroup. I’m happy to say that one of those beautiful friends is still close to me today, nearly 10 years later. xx
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OMG lovely, how could all those people miss out on your awesomeness? Their loss! I can’t imagine tackling first time motherhood, to twins no less, and feeling isolated. It’s a shame it took so long, but glad you finally found the friendly support you were after. I’m still good friends with a few from my Miss8’s mother’s group.
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I didn’t join a mother’s group, but I tried three playgroups to find the one I’ve stuck with. Now I’ve been there four years and made some of my closest friends through it. But you’re right about it being when you least expect it. It’s a great reason to just go with stuff. You never know what amazingness will come from it!
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I’ve been on the alternate route to awesomeness my whole life 😉
We lived in NZ when my twins were born qnd I used to go to Multiple Birth Club playgroup, I had lots of supportive friends, but the mums at MBC were the only ones who could relate to the challenges (and joys!) of two at a time.
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I only went to Mothers Group a few times. The last morning one of the mothers read aloud from a baby book prefacing sentences with things like “this is really profound” and “imagine if tired was not an option”.
I’m not sure what I expected, but I would have fitted in much better in a mothers group that talked about wine or tv not purees and reflux antidotes. 🙂
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So sad to hear of your experiences but so happy you found your friends in the end
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I cannot believe that mother’s group gave you the face palm! How utterly horrible of them! It could have been worse though, imagine being friends with someone like that.. It’s hard to make friends as an adult, especially when your life dynamics have changed so drastically. Glad you found some fellow musketeers in the end!
xx
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The social isolation felt by new mothers can be crushing. I’ve never heard of a mothers’ group rejecting a mother because she had twins, that’s just bizarre. Thank goodness you persevered.
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So glad you found a group of woman you click with Grace 🙂 I too experienced a lot like you (premmie in a NICU for 7 wks) so found it difficult to click with my Mums group as they all had wonderful births and perfect little babies which they liked talking about.
Its taken me a while, but this year I finally took my girls to a couple of playgroups, its been a step out of my comfort zone, but seems to be paying off as the woman I catchup with seem genuinely nice and don’t force the “How are you” and not wait for your reply 🙂 xx
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