With Some Grace

Everyday Experiences, Lifelong Learnings

FYBF – The Tears Edition

By: mamagrace7159 Comments

Yup. Still on holiday!

Following from last week’s awesome guest post from Tegan at Musings of the Misguided, I have the lovely Kathy from YinYang Mother.

FYBF Fears Tears and Belly Laughs 2

Kathy was assigned to write based on the theme, “Tears” – a rather difficult and extremely sensitive topic, her story is both heartbreaking and inspiring.

Thank you so much Kathy for sharing your journey with us.

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So FYBF is brought to you today by a rather sad topic. Tears. I’m sorry. Please pass the tissues.

You’re sad that Grace isn’t here (off sunning herself in some exotic locale) and so you’re stuck with me, writing about sorrow. It’s a crying shame really.

Or is it? Ever cried with joy? Read on.

Like most people who’ve been lucky enough to make it through (more than) half the average lifespan, sometimes it feels like I’ve cried enough tears to last a lifetime.  But then I consider the tragedies that befall others, and I have to wipe away the tears I shed for them.

I’ve bawled my eyes out after break-ups and cried at funerals.  I’ve sobbed silently (somewhat embarrassed) watching any every sad movie I’ve ever seen, and gotten all soppy at weddings.

I was distraught when my dog died, and when my favourite grandmother passed away.

I’ve sobbed uncontrollably in the shower, the tears washing with the water down the drain, but not taking away the pain. Not really.

For those of you who don’t know my story, years of infertility, including 9 IVF cycles, will open the floodgates on a whole lot of crying.

Big gulping sobs, the sort that suck your breath away until eventually your pitiful attempt at letting it all out is reduced to a sad struggle for air. I cried those tears stuck in the staff room of the infertility clinic (OK Fertility Centre) while waiting to find out why the baby that was supposed to be in my womb wasn’t. They’d stuck me in there (for privacy I’m sure) but also because such sorrow had to hidden away from all the hope in the waiting room.

A few days later a solitary tear rolled silently down my cheek and turned to salt as I was wheeled into surgery for an emergency operation to remove my ectopic pregnancy, not to mention my tube.  I had no energy left to cry.

I’ve felt the sting of tears at so many Baby Showers – it’s a funny term, don’t you reckon – sort of implying that having a baby is so simple – like manna from the sky. I guess the analogy is that babies come from heaven, and what usually falls from the heavens is wet and precipitous. And the Baby Shower is the calm before the labour storm. Only not in my case.

I’ve wept in shared grief with my children’s birth parents – knowing their tears, like mine, are all wet and salty.

And I know that tears are wet and salty whether shed in sorrow or in joy.

I steeled myself not to cry when our beautiful daughter was placed in my arms – at 13 months old her shock and anguish was unbearable to watch, let alone feel.  Who were these strange new ‘parents’ and what was going on in a room where five other babies were also finding families and the collective emotional outburst was piercing – sorrow played in stereo in a chorus of crying?

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She was inconsolable and I could only hug her gushing grief, trying to stay strong enough not to get upset by the flood surge of her sorrow, so as not to heighten its raging torrent.

It was a shared experience, yet so intensely personal that I could only feel her distress and confusion as an extension of my own, like pins and needles in my fingers and toes, at the extremities of my emotions. My happiness was its own suffusion, yet I didn’t allow myself tears of any kind. Our brave daughter was shedding tears enough for us all – how can I ever thank her enough for going through the pain of becoming ours?

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Six and a half years later our handsome son arrived in our lives at 8.5 months old and with a big smile on his face, so this time happy tears were allowed.

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I like to think that tears are always positive no matter why they are wept – you know that saying ‘you need a good cry’. Sometimes we really do need it.

I like to think that I’ve cried more tears of happiness than sadness in my life, and for that I’m lucky. It’s how I like to think.

To me crying is the ultimate expression of ‘going with the flow’, adding our own energy into the universal river of life. You should try it, often.

When we cry we surrender to the moment – to its sorrows and its joys and the beauty regardless.

We let go of our despair (or at least some of it), heighten happiness and we make memories. Think about the most memorable, defining moments of your life and they will usually involve tears (hopefully more of the jubilant variety).

So if you feel like you need a ‘good cry’, mawkish old me has a couple of movie recommendations to get you started – The Pursuit of Happyness ,  Always and my favourite Steel Magnolias (1989 it seems was a big year for tear-jerkers as well as hair, and come to think of it, my first real break-up).

But if you would prefer to laugh at the crocodile tears that toddlers and pre-schoolers shed (for perfectly valid reasons of course), this website ‘Reasons my son is crying’ is a crack-up (plus there’ a new book) My 3.5 year old son Little Yang’s crazy reason would be because his shirt is wet – that would be from the few, tiny teardrops that fell onto it after he started bawling because the apple was green not red!

So ‘happy crying’, and please share your stories of tears, crocodile tears and favourite tear-jerkers.

1. Follow With Some Grace.

2. Sign up to the awesome Digital Parents community ( if you haven’t already done so). DP was created by Brenda Gaddi who happens to be the creator of FYBF. She’s also created 4 gorgeous kidlets. In case you’d like to know. Or maybe not. But we’ll share that info just the same.

3. Add your post URL to the linky. Please only link up one post.

4. Grab the funky FYBF button and post it on your sidebar. Help spread the blogfloggin love.

5. Visit the blogs of your fellow FYBF’ers and share the comment love

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Comments

  1. Becc says

    I just lost our dog earlier this week and it is true, I was so exhausted by not crying that I was running on empty. When the flood gates arrived, I somehow retrieved some of that energy to keep on moving on. It is amazing what a good cry can do.
    You have a sad and yet lovely story. So beautiful to see our gorgeous family at the end of the roller coaster. Truly a beautiful sight.
    Becc recently posted..New ways to get creative and healthyMy Profile

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    • Kathy says

      Becc – so sorry to hear about your dog – losing much loved pets is really hard and you have to still keep going. The day we found our dog dead I was booked in to some stupid, expensive legal negotiation course for work and I felt I had to go – couldn’t concentrate much at all of course.
      Kathy recently posted..Bursting with prideMy Profile

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  8. natalia familia says

    That’s quite a lot of ups and downs Kathy! It’s a lovely story. I love the idea that crying is the “ultimate expression of ‘going with the flow’” You are so right. I’m so teary, but I often stifle them, but we should all embrace crying more, I’m sure its good for the soul. xx
    natalia familia recently posted..This moment.My Profile

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    • Kathy says

      I think overall that whatever emotions we feel are better off ‘out than in’. I think the fact that tears flow and we can’t help it signals we should just let them.

      Reply

  11. Lara @ This Charming Mum says

    Thank you for sharing your amazing story. Your children are beautiful and you look like such a happy family. As for Steel Magnolias – it makes me cry EVERY time! Oh my goodness Sally Field at her daughter’s funeral??!! I’ve seen it a million times and it still gets me. In a funny way though, I always feel a bit better afterwards 🙂
    Lara @ This Charming Mum recently posted..Review and Q&A: Amazing Babes by Eliza Sarlos and Grace LeeMy Profile

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    • Kathy says

      Emily – you are one of the busiest people I know – I’m sure some tears help you pick yourself up again, but don’t ever forget how much you get through, how amazing you are even when you need to cry.
      Kathy recently posted..Bursting with prideMy Profile

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  17. Bec @ The Plumbette says

    Kathy, your story is amazing. What makes it amazing and inspiring is your positive attitude towards a crappy situation. I can’t imagine how you felt not being able to have your own children, but look at your beautiful family now.
    You know, the last time I cried was watching The Impossible last weekend. I cried through most of it. Horrified by what I saw and my heart went out to all those families who lost loved ones in such horrible tragedy. I have tears in my eyes when I watch my daughters play together or when they do something that takes me by surprise. Tears are good for the soul. Thank you for sharing your story. xo
    Bec @ The Plumbette recently posted..Bonds is a Family Wardrobe Staple – Wordless WednesdayMy Profile

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  18. Me says

    I think tears are great – I have had moments of just sitting in the shower sobbing my heart out – it’s very cathartic isn’t it ?
    I am a bit of a sook and do cry at a lot of things – movies, sporting moments, happy moments and, if my hormones are a bit more out of whack than normal, I will cry at nothing – which gets hard to explain until your family realise that it happens and if they just let it happen, it too will pass !
    Have a wonderful weekend Lovely Lady – and Grace, I hope you are having an absolute ball on holiday !
    Me
    Me recently posted..Things I KnowMy Profile

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  19. Min says

    Hope you’re having a fab holiday over there Grace! Kathy, thank you for sharing your story. I’m so glad that you eventually got your beautiful daughter and son 🙂 I had years of infertility and went through IVF. My story resulted in two pregnancies: twin boys by IVF and a daughter conceived naturally. It appears that I need a good cry often…must admit to a few tears reading your story. I understand the longing for a child and I was overjoyed to see that you got your daughter and son :-)) xo
    Min recently posted..Yesterday was not such a good day!My Profile

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  21. Pip says

    Kathy – you know I’m a huge fan of all your writing and each story you choose to share. Each time I read more about how your gorgeous children arrived in your arms I can see how lucky you have all been to find each other. Such sweeter parents they could not have found. The love you show is a beautiful thing, even if it does make me shed one of those often-mentioned tears you speak about here!
    Pip recently posted..Why I Will Never Write About CleaningMy Profile

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  23. Julie@Off to the park says

    What a beautiful heartfelt story. I’m so happy that you have two gorgeous children and the family you so much wanted.

    I have shed a lot of sad and sweet tears, this year its been full of sad tears as I try to get over the grief of losing my father last Christmas to Cancer.

    I will always remember the sweet tears of happiness when my two children were born.

    One of my fvourite tear jerkers – Message in a Bottle (I always always cry when I watch this.
    Julie@Off to the park recently posted..Craft: Homemade button boardMy Profile

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  24. Kate says

    I have always been a tad on the emotional side but having kids has really opened the floodgates. Heartbreaks are a bit like fingerprints, we all have them but each one is real and unique to its owner. While there are patterns that emerge, the comparisons end there. I have been through my own infertility heartbreak and while it pales in comparison to the magnitude of yours, it was real for me at the time. I’m so happy for the way your family has worked out for you, what a blessing! You got happy and sad tears out of me 🙂
    Kate recently posted..Friday 5: Fit Mama’s Christmas Wish ListMy Profile

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    • Kathy says

      Thanks Kate and sorry to hear you also suffered the pain of infertility. I hope the happy and sad tears you cried balance each other out – I love the line about heartbreaks being like fingerprints – they imprint something on our hearts that makes us stronger in the end.
      Kathy recently posted..Bursting with prideMy Profile

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  26. Twitchy says

    Love me a good cry. So much so it was the first thing I did when I landed in this world, true. Had a healthy relationship with it ever since, good or bad. I love those photos of your family! You all look so happy to be with your new little boy and the big sister smile is as wide as the horizon. Best wishes to you all x
    Twitchy recently posted..It’s Movember and I Have Some Great IdeasMy Profile

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  30. Kylez @ A Study in Contradictions says

    Such a beautiful, beautiful post, puts life in perspective.

    Had so many crocodile tears today from the toddler, half the time I’m not even sure why, just because I breathed I think!. The best happy tears were my husbands at our wedding. My most recent tears were shed five days before my daughter Zee was born in July, tears of fear that my big girl would hate me for trying to love someone as much as her, tears of fear that she might think I didn’t love her anymore once her sister came along, tears because I was just so scared about how she would handle it all and because I just love her so much that I was feeling so guilty that I might not be as good a Mum as she deserved.
    Kylez @ A Study in Contradictions recently posted..A Tale of Woe and Kebab SticksMy Profile

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  31. Wendy Parks says

    I did cry reading your story. We had 7 IVF cycles, and 2 miscarriages. It was such a painful journey. Our very first cycle was successful and we never thought adding to our family would be so hard. And yet, we had a stop as we could not manage the tears and emotional pain any more. We are now too old to adopt, but I have so many tears of joy with my little girl – and still some tears at the empty place in my heart.
    Wendy Parks recently posted..A Trip on Puffing BillyMy Profile

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