Welcome to the FYBF Fears, Tears and Belly Laughs series!
While I’m on holidays, I’ve asked some very special bloggers to share a story based on one of the prompts and wow wee, what a great line up!
Please make sure you leave some comment love for each guest blogger. The more love we give out, in tenfold it returns.
Taking us back to the Fears prompt, we have Denyse from Denyse Whelan Blogs to Connect as this week’s guest blogger.
Denyse is one of the first bloggers I connected with four years ago. In that time, she there have been many different chapters in her life including with her most recent sea change. She wrote the below post in October during the midst of all the changes in her life.
Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts on Fear with us, D.
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Fear. It means many things to many people. There is a fear that is ‘in your face’ when an accident may be about to occur as you are driving and you have to take evasive action. That’s when we can thank our primitive brain for its reactive state. Phew. It missed us. But there is also ‘fear’ that swirls about in our minds and comes and goes and if you ever try to pinpoint it, sometimes a reason just can’t be found. This is what fear is like for me. So, when I proposed this post to Grace, here is what I wrote.
“Fear has been my biggest teacher this year in some ways and I have found trying to push it away makes it worse. Mindfulness practices (where I am at the baby steps stage) and meditation assist in my letting the fear come and acknowledging it without getting too carried away with it.
Our brain’s natural tendency (for safety reasons) is to be ‘fear’ ful, but when it is not related to an immediate threat but is a “play or story” going on in the mind, then fear drives us to think less of ourselves, and imagine all the worst case scenarios
It wasn’t until this year (and probably the lead up to selling the house and leaving the family in late 2014) that I had to acknowledge how ‘fearful’ I became and it’s taken until the past 2 months or so for my research and determination to get more informed about it for me.”
Mindfulness meditation, via the headspace app is something I do each day. There are days when I do not want to ‘bother’ but they are usually the days I need to take some ‘mindfulness moments’ the most. So, I do. Because I also am a record-keeper and like the fact that I have sat meditatively now each day since late March.
I am learning more about how the brain (ok, the mind!) works but I don’t necessarily like some of it. Learning not to push away the fearful thoughts (stories) and let them go on it contradictory to my usual methods of ‘control’. Yet, I am praising myself for doing so. Fear for me if often based on the ‘what ifs’ and ‘the what happened then might happen again’. Two ‘no noes’ if I am ever to ‘keep living mindfully.
Sometimes I feel as if I am getting nowhere as fear (often in the form of a tight gut, and maybe an episode of dreaded Irritable Bowel Syndrome diarrheoa) pops in to my head as a thought, and then what I notice as does my husband and my friendly GP and therapist is that my reaction to whatever happens is less dramatic and lasts for a shorter while. I still wish it would disappear completely of course, but apparently being human means the bad and the good times!
I asked a few people I know to add to this post as I wanted some differing views to mine and here’s some of the responses I got when I asked them to describe ‘fear’.
- Paralyzing, limiting and a stealer of joy and opportunity.
- Fear that I won’t be ‘good’ enough or enough. Fear that Ill be found out to be as inadequate as I feel
- Fear is the unknown. The inability to do what you want when you want. I heard recently heard that as an addict I am either behaving from a place of fear or love. I am now choosing to act from a place of love. (Well that’s what I’m working on)
- Fear is falling short of my own expectations. How do you live with knowing you weren’t as good as you hoped?
- To me, fear is the realisation that things may not go right. Fear can be useful or not. It is natural and necessary. We cannot be fearless, we must feel the fear and do it anyway.
- Prevents me from experiencing life to its fullest and from taking risks…
- The sense of failing and missing out on an opportunity that I tell myself I should want but in truth is not actually aligned with my values at all!!!
And spiders. . .
- To me fear is my mind saddled upon a galloping horse racing blindly through pitch black caves. And that nagging thought that I am not good enough and never will be.
- To me fear is something to be noticed and curious about.
Right now, as I write I am feeling fearful. I do not like it but I am continuing to ‘live through it’ as I know more than anything it will ebb and flow. There are reasons for this – one being we are moving house again – but I also know that I have a tendency towards ‘worry’ and ‘overthinking’. Knowing this actually helps me forgive myself and treat myself more kindly. In the past I would not have spoken to myself as if I were a good friend. I would have criticised myself more and that spirals into greater fear. I am also mindful now of what I can and cannot change in both my life and that of others. It’s taken this year of living for almost 66 years to work that one out!!
Here are some resources and practical ideas which have helped me recently to be spending less time in my fear-mode and more in my mindful one.
- Blogging every single day. It has given me a purpose each day to face a ‘blank page’ and create ‘something.’ I am so glad I chose to do this late last year as a record of the year and a way to share.
- Getting outside into nature as much as I can. Even if it is to look at and appreciate the sky, the grass and some flowers it is enough to see ‘the bigger picture’. I do this every day too.
- Enjoying a creative pursuit or three! I have always enjoyed photography so I get many opportunities to capture pics outside or anywhere I go. I don’t always do anything with them as this is one time I am often ‘in the moment.’
- Art, colouring, designing and playing with crafty stuff. Whilst I have a teaching background and enjoyed working with kids and grandkids, it’s not until I realised I too could play that it’s been fun. I tried a proper art class. I didn’t like the ‘focus on technique’ so I found I’m best at solo stuff.
- Cooking is a sometime creative fun thing for me. I was used to cooking for family and giving them treats and meals and it’s not needed so much here but I still get my ‘bake on’ from time to time.
- I am a keen learner and a curious person. I have been part of an on-line MOOC called Future Learn this year and they have so many courses. The one I completed so far is Mindfulness for Wellness and Peak Performance and I am about to start one called The Mind.
- These books and some CDs and podcasts also help me. I like a smorgasboard of learning so these suit me.
I do hope this is a helpful conversation starter about fear. I know I would like to hear more about how readers of With Some Grace are managing their lives.
1. Follow With Some Grace.
2. Sign up to the awesome Digital Parents community ( if you haven’t already done so). DP was created by Brenda Gaddi who happens to be the creator of FYBF. She’s also created 4 gorgeous kidlets. In case you’d like to know. Or maybe not. But we’ll share that info just the same.
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Hey guys, love FYBF but there is no link today. Or maybe I am missing something – like my brain (that is very possible).
Natalie @ Our parallel connection recently posted..Achieving that Work Life balance
I’m not seeing it either Natalie.
Kylie Purtell – A Study in Contradictions recently posted..One {2016 52 week project} | Photography
Maybe Grace will see this at some point when she comes in from the snow! I will let her know too. Cheers Kylie and Natalie xx
Denyse recently posted..What A Difference! 366/8.
LOl thanks Kylie it’s not just me..
Natalie @ Our parallel connection recently posted..Achieving that Work Life balance
I sent Grace a tweet hopefully she will see it and be able to action it in Japan.
In regards to the fear – to me it is not being able to control your environment and the unknown. However as you say Denise it is a great teacher and if I push myself through, I usually come out somewhere wonderful.
Sally@Toddlers on Tour recently posted..Photo Flashbacks: 2015 on My Family Travel Blog
Link is up. Thanks Sally, I sent Grace a message too. Thank you for your kind words Denyse
Denyse recently posted..What A Difference! 366/8.
Fear or hope?? I know which one I want to try to live by. I agree that fear is easier, it is safer and it is probably a more natural way to go. But hope is more inspiring, more fun and the most satisfying way to live. I love that you meditate everyday. I am going to start to do this this year but I will need to start small. I think I might look at the app Denyse. Thanks heaps
Natalie @ Our parallel connection recently posted..Achieving that Work Life balance
Thanks Natalie for your kind words. I would like to be more on the ‘hope’ side and I am getting better! Our brains actually are set to default ‘worst case’ scenario which I now know from all my hard work/research is to keep us safe. Nevertheless some toning down of the fear is what I want to achieve. Hence my word for 2016 is FEARless… Denyse
Denyse recently posted..What A Difference! 366/8.
Over the years I’ve come up with a few ways to distract my mind from fears and anxieties, chiefly among them is reading, Reading is my number one way to distract myself. It was the number one thing that helped me as a teenager, and late on it helped me find myself again after having Punky, it helped me manage the fear and anxiety I was feeling as a new Mum. I’ve also slowly been learning that worrying about things doesn’t change the things I’m worrying about and it’s amazing the difference that one little realisation has made to me. I hate wasting my time on pointless things or things I don’t enjoy, and once I came to realise that worrying and stressing about things that I can’t change is a pointless exercise it’s allowed me to think more clearly about the things that I can change and helps me to focus on those things, which in turn helps to ease any fears or anxieties that I’m feeling.
Kylie Purtell – A Study in Contradictions recently posted..One {2016 52 week project} | Photography
Thanks Kylie for your helpful strategies in your comment. I do lots to distract myself of course but the past twelve months were, for me, a perfect storm of many changes all at once and to be honest I was told by a psychologist I see that the emotional reactions often are on lag time to the physical and other changes I had intellectually determined to be right. It’s what it is for me now, at 66, and I am better for having greater knowledge about myself. Cheers, Denyse x
Denyse recently posted..What A Difference! 366/8.
Mindfulness is my word of the year.xx
Indeed as it is for me as much as I can remember! happy new year Brenda xxx
Denyse recently posted..What A Difference! 366/8.
Your fears are understandable Denyse. There’s been a lot of change in your life. I can relate because I suffer quite a lot with anxiety which is much the same. I think a lot of it (unfortunately) is hormonal changes at this stage of life I am at. Mindfulness practice, getting outdoors, being creative – all things I am doing too to help me. We are on very similar paths. All the very best of luck to you. You’ll be AOK! 😉 xo
Min@WriteoftheMiddle recently posted..(Tassie Trip) Day 9 – Highfield House, Stanley
Thanks so much Min – it’s always good to know we are not alone! This is why I love my blogging community too! Denyse
I’m a worst case scenario jumper innerer and to manage it, I let myself go there. Often I realise the worst case scenarios for things of which I think I’m fearful aren’t actually that bad, and aren’t likely to happen anyway. Or they’re to do with losing face or embarrassing myself, about which I care a lot less at this stage of my life.
(PS I’m in the middle of a linguistic debate with someone. They think you should never end sentences or even clauses with a preposition. I gave it a crack. It’s a clunk-fest.)
Emily recently posted..School costs add up before the fees even start
Oh how I like your style! Both attitude & writing! Thanks Emily. D x
Denyse recently posted..What A Difference! 366/8.
Great post Denyse. Fear has played a huge factor in my anxiety over the years – fear of being judged, fear of missing out, fear of not being good enough – actually most of the things you have mentioned. Accepting ‘fear’ and putting in place strategies to deal with it is what I am currently working on. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you Charlene for your kind words. This “fear” thing is a burden at times! Take care, Denyse
Denyse recently posted..What A Difference! 366/8.
I love that expression about true courage defined as being afraid- and doing it anyway. Great post Denyse xx
Amy @ HandbagMafia recently posted..Gary Johns: No Contraception, No Cash.
Amy that is such a great saying, I think I will use it more! Thank you so much. Denyse xx
Denyse recently posted..Colour Me Positive Art Challenge. 366/9.
Great post Denyse! As an all-time worry-wart I tend to think too much of the ‘what if’s’ and what other people say or think of me. Like Liz Gilbert describes in her book, I need to tell fear to take the back seat and get in control of my life, rather than let it stop me from trying new things 🙂
Julie @ Off to the park recently posted..Out with the old, in with the new
YES! I remember that quote now from Liz Gilbert. Trouble is, I sometimes forget those kind of empowering statements when I am in the ‘thick of things,’ I also heard Oprah say on a CD of hers “you are bigger than fear” That too helped me. I hope you continue to do the things you want and be the the person you want to be too! Denyse xx
Denyse recently posted..Colour Me Positive Art Challenge. 366/9.
I like the sound of the mindfulness meditation app – might have to check that one out. I try to focus on the positive side of most situations, but get stuck in a bit of a funk every now and then, like most people do, I guess.
Emma @ Life, kids and a glass of red recently posted..A New Year
Thanks Emma, it really is good. If you pop over to my blog, you can see that on Wednesday this past week I wrote more specifically about Headspace meditation. Sign up for the first free 10 days and do 10 minutes a day and see how you find it. Cheers, Denyse
Denyse recently posted..Colour Me Positive Art Challenge. 366/9.
Thought provoking post Denyse. I believe your word for the year is fearless (which, if I had to pick only one for myself would be it). I’m planning on living in a more fearless way this year as fear has controlled my life in so many ways for so long. Fear can be helpful in short bursts but highly damaging if you never find your way out of it or around it. I’ll be trying to follow your example and identify practical ways to deal with and minimise daily anxiety x
Kirsty @ My Home Truths recently posted..Mega Fun with Mega Creatures + Giveaway
And, more power to you for giving it all some thought and making plans Kirsty! We so need to get together. I think we are about 40 minutes apart now. So, lets’ do something about that once your littlest is off to school! Take care and I always appreciate your kind support. Denyse x
Denyse recently posted..Colour Me Positive Art Challenge. 366/9.
A wonderful discussion about fear Denyse. I have found the older I get, the more I feel the fear and do it anyway. The mind is a powerful thing. Good on you for facing your fears & finding useful strategies to harness that fear xx
Lisa recently posted..Word for 2016: Consistency
Thank you Lisa for your most thoughtful and encouraging remarks. It is interesting about ‘getting older’ too. Yep, often say to myself ‘get on with it no matter what! Cheers, Denyse x
Denyse recently posted..Colour Me Positive Art Challenge. 366/9.
HI Denyse
Great post!
I love how you say “Knowing this actually helps me forgive myself and treat myself more kindly. ”
We should all treat/speak to ourselves the way we would speak to our best friend
Hi Denyse, I am originally from Australia but I have been living in Thailand for the past few years and some of this time I have spent living in a mindful community. Since I have been meditating and practicing mindfulness I have been a lot let reactive in emotional situations……well some of the time! lol Fear for me is the thought of actually joining the rat race again……I’ve really noticed a difference when I go home in peoples disconnection to each other…….sad! Thanks for sharing!
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