I’ve been thinking about friendships a lot lately. One in particular that has sadly reached its demise.
A collaborated past built through childhood, school, mutual friends and family. Adolescence, weddings, babies; the life changing experiences surmising a friendship’s longevity.
But if it’s no longer working (and hasn’t been for a while), why should the test of time be the only resounding reason to stick around?
Not that it should account for nothing but why should it account for everything?
Especially when that’s all that’s left, a history, when the sole standing excuse is: “But we’ve been through so much together”.
Long before marriage and in the midst of epic failing relationships, I wrote a list for what defined a life-long partner.
Even if unsure of the qualities of my ideal person , I was absolutely certain about the ones I didn’t want.
Same with friendships.
There can only be positives in perceiving what the unwanted negatives are.
As I refuse to doubt what I am capable of offering to a friend, I’m no longer willing to settle for anything less.
Effort shouldn’t be tiring
All friendships – new and old – require effort. What’s a genuine friendship without stepping into our own inconveniences to suit the needs of another.
But every friendship is an investment. Whether we expect it or not, at some point, we need to be able to dip into the savings of its bank account.
If we need to ask or wonder when there’s going to be a return, then it’s time to close the account.
Mutual respect…is it overrated?
Maybe I’m a bit of an old fashioned fool with twinges of immature high school tendencies but if I introduce someone as my best friend, I would expect that title to be honoured and well, you know, reciprocated.
Am I being over dramatic? Placing too much importance into something insignificant? I thoroughly thought this through.
And perhaps “reading too much into things” is detrimental. But certain standards and expectations in mutual respect and value shouldn’t be.
Does it still serve a purpose?
Friendships can be paths that cross when we need them most then turn at completely opposite directions. And that’s okay. At a point where there is no longer mutual benefit, why stay on the same road?
This isn’t to say that the situation is at a stalemate. Just as paths separate, sometimes they cross again.
Friendships simply reflect the fluidity of life. The past holds the memories and the lessons that get us to where we are today, to help us where we need to get to in the future.
Nothing stays the same. If it does, we’re not evolving.
And as the infamous saying goes, except death and taxes, nothing is permanent. Not even a friendship.
Joining Essentially Jess for IBOT
I hear you, but I have 2 different points on it. The person I think of as my best friend, I don’t think would consider me in the same light – and she’s allowed to. BUT she is unfazed when accommodating my idosyncracies, and more than happy to leave me be (never a ‘you never call’ cos I’m crap). On the other hand, when I wrote about her, and how good she was to me (and how crap I was in general), she said ‘that made me teary – you’re not as bad as you think you are’). So she is allowed to have a different best friend, but she is mine.
Second, sometimes it is tiring, but that’s because they need a friend. I have a number of friends going through terrible times, and they need the onesided bucking up (or listening without judgment). But they need it so that’s what you offer.
However, I get you are saying something else, and sometimes, people are selfish and that is exhausting and frustrating…
Lydia C. Lee recently posted..First of the Month Fiction – August
I have a long-standing friendship that I’ve let fall by the wayside. I basically gave up. She would tell me she’d had an epiphany and was going to make time for the important people in her life, me included. Then she wouldn’t call or return my calls and messages for months. I worry about her but I’ve tried everything over the last few years and I’ve reached my limit. If she wants to reach out in the future she knows where I am.
Bec @ Seeing the Lighter Side of Parenting recently posted..Motherhood vs Story of O
Agreed that not all friendships are permanent. Disagree that effort shouldn’t be tiring – it is for everything, so why not friendship? It shouldn’t be all-consuming exhaustion, but I think effort for anything is tiring. I also think a friendship can ebb and flow.
I had a friend I considered one of my best, and one day I realised that it was always me arranging things. Always me calling, arranging to meet, asking how she was. So one day I said all right, you’ve been saying you’ll have me around for ages, so I’ll wait for your invitation. Great, I’ll be in touch soon.
That was seven years ago. Seven years. I reached out a month ago to congratulate her on her engagement, and she said she’d come and visit me the next day. Didn’t come, call or anything.
My door will always be open for her to come back into my life. But I won’t chase. I’m sad – I think she’s a beautiful person who just stretches herself too far – but I have enough to deal and other beautiful friends to lean on and support without being what feels like the only person invested in the friendship.
Emily recently posted..Beautiful moments part one (words)
I certainly agree. I have a best friend and we’ve had our ups and downs since the age of 8, but we are BFF, not in the ‘live in your pocket’ type of way just in the way that we will always be there for each other no matter what. Another friendship, also from my childhood, has seem to fall by the wayside. Distance, different worlds and values. Yes, friendships can run their course, and I think your second last line sums it up perfectly “Nothing stays the same. If it does, we’re not evolving.”
Jodi Gibson (JF Gibson Writer) recently posted..The One Thing…
It is hard when friendships move on, sometimes they come back, but I think you are right in that we can make too much of history. I’m on the receiving end of a ‘severing’ of a friendship and I really don’t know why – I reached out to this person after their Dad died and now they have shut me off. Going to be seeing her again at a group weekend in a few weeks and I’m really not sure how I’m going to feel. X
Kathy recently posted..Play to your strengths
Sorry to hear about the loss of this friendship. Friends mean a lot to me and I understand where you’re coming from. Sometimes it really hurts when you place so much love, time and effort on them, but they don’t do the same. Big hugs and may you always be surrounded by people who treasure you just as you do them.
Ai Sakura recently posted..Big Sister Instincts – Just Call Her “Jie Jie”
It is hard when a friendship ends but I definitely agree with your points, Grace. I don’t think you’re being over dramatic in expecting mutual respect. It’s always good when things are reciprocated and you don’t feel like it’s all one sided!
Mandy recently posted..Why I Write
I totally get this Grace. I’ve had to let more than a few friendships go over the years, and to be honest, I am a better for it. Sometimes friendships run their course, sometimes one person invests more than the other and it ends because friendship can’t be like that.
I had to cut off one of my bridesmaids not long after our wedding. It was a hard decision to make, but it had been coming for a while. It just got to the point where I couldn’t give anymore without getting anything back. So much effort and time given, to have it all thrown back in my face when I needed her the most was the last straw. That friendship taught me a few valuable lessons, one of which was never to lend money to friends! The thing is, I could have let the money she owed me go, if it wasn’t for the fact that she just didn’t seem to give a damn about me and never picked up the phone to see how I was going. We only stayed in touch because I made the effort to contact her, I was only of value to her when she needed something or help of some kind, but couldn’t give it back to me when I needed it. So it was time to let it go. When something starts to be more effort than it’s worth it’s time to let go.
And here endeth my little brain vomit!
Kylie Purtell recently posted..I Birth on Tuesday: One Year Later
I completely get this. I ‘let go’ of my childhood best friend years ago. We still see each other on occasions but our lives and values really moved apart. There was no fight or disagreement, no one-sided commitment issues… just a slow petering out of 30 or so years of closeness. I realised at the time that people I spent more time with knew me far better. While she and I had a long history we were friends more out of circumstance than choice.
Deborah recently posted..What we can learn from visiting other cultures
I think sometimes part of being a true friend is still being there when the roads meet again. And understanding that life for everyone goes on, it’s possible to always be there for someone without having to have a lot of contact. But if one side is always the one making the effort, then at some point something’s gotta give. Friendships are hard. Relationships are hard. LIFE is hard. Just need to find the people who make it all a little bit easier. xo Aroha
Aroha @ Colours of Sunset recently posted..There Was An Old Woman
A great read Grace and I couldn’t help but feel an element of sadness to it. Maybe it’s just me. I totally get what you’re saying though. I have friendships that have gone their separate ways just because of circumstances and I miss them. I’ve also had friendships that I’ve had to openly walk away from and thats never an easy thing to do. You’re right though, no friendship should ever be one sided. :)) x
Robyn (Mrs D) recently posted..I’ve got a new home
I’ve had a big year with losing friendships, and I’ve tried to stay optimistic because sadly some friendships don’t last and it’s not a reflection of us or even them but that our time together has come to an end. Some people are toxic. You’ll know if it’s right if you don’t feel as though your life is worse off without them, I know mine isn’t worse off without them, so it’s the right decision! xxx Em – also visiting as part of #teamIBOT x
Emily @ Have A Laugh On Me recently posted..Three things I wish I could do over…
Such a great post!! I completely agree with you. Friendships really are complicated, and sometimes it’s best to part ways, because people grow apart and sometimes it takes us a while, but we do realise that some of those friendships were toxic and made us feel small. xx
Ms Jelena recently posted..I Love ME!
Very perceptively and eloquently put, I concur! We can weather the ebbs and flows, ups and downs of friendship, but mutual respect is mandatory. If that fades, time to call it quits.
Love the beautiful, evocative photos interspersed in your post, Grace.
Lee-Anne recently posted..A little story (and some regulation trivia).
This post hit home for me. Currently realising that one of my once very close friends, has since become just somebody I used to know.
It’s sad, but when a friendship becomes draining on your emotions, you should step away.
Keep smiling!
Bianca recently posted..A mother hen from the beginning
I have very few lasting friendships. Even people I’ve known forever, and still like, I rarely interact with.
But I don’t seem to make close friends easily. And it’s something I’m working on.
EssentiallyJess recently posted..A Country Practice #IBOT
Grace I loved this post. It really spoke to me. I have a ‘best friend’ who I’ve been friends with since we were three. The past four years or more I guess have had a mixture of good and bad times. Mainly bad to be honest. I have tried to let the friendship go because it is exhausting and stressful and a head wrecker, but just when I think it’s the end my friend who did things to hurt me and who didn’t care about me comes crawling back. I feel the only reason I’m letting her do this is because we’ve known each other for so long. It’s hard 🙁
Renee at Mummy, Wife, Me recently posted..Read-to-Cure Challenge and 5 week free trial
I’ve had friendships come and go over the years Grace, and I’ve come to realize, if it’s meant to be it will be. Some I’ve tried to hold onto, and then found I was the one doing all the contacting etc. Definitely mutual respect is a must, and if it’s not there, it doesn’t make you feel great.
I think at different stages in life, sometimes you’re the friend who needs and other times you’re the friend who is needed.
Gorgeous images you’ve used xx
Lisa@RandomActsOfZen recently posted..You Can Or You Can’t
I don’t know if it’s deliberate or not or simply a fate of choices and lifestyle but I have not had a close friend for over 20 years. Spouses and relatives don’t count as there will always be some things that just can’t be shared.
Sometimes I feel very sad about this and I know it concerns my wife. Most times it just doesn’t worry me as my life is very full. Still, there’s a position vacant if anyone is interested but I can’t guarantee I’d be very good at it.
I’ve got lots of acquaintances but they really aren’t the same are they.
Mark recently posted..The Kiva Pigs Loan Has Been Repaid
I want details next time we meet!
Kristyn recently posted..Blogging, Reading, and Writing Oh My
When I was younger, I used to get upset if a friend went distant with me. But now, I understand that people take different path in life. I believe some people need to be in your life at a specific moment. But, as life goes, friendships can dissolve with no particular reasons and I have learned to accept this even though sometimes, I do think about what happened and if I have done something wrong toward the other person.
Rita @ The Crafty Expat recently posted..My favourite place in Melbourne – The State Library of Victoria
None of my friends are in in your pocket, must spend x amount of time together kind of people and that works for us. I do enjoy the time we spend together and I have one best friend who we really have been through it all together. I think that it is absolutely ok to let a friendship fall by the wayside, that there doesn’t need to be an absolute ending to it.
Tegan recently posted..Monster Truck Party
I’ve definitely been in your situation. Hope you can come to a decision you’re comfortable with. History can sometimes mean nothing. People change and so do your own needs and expectations xx
Carla recently posted..Finding My Place { Have You Found Yours? }
I would add to the list the “”Do they bring out your best or your worst?”” Do you feel confident around them”
I also, rather traumatically, went through the demise of a friendship recently. It’s hard to come to terms with isn’t it.