I think that it’s fair to say that, as each child is different, so are the circumstances they’re born into, whether being ideal or not.
It’s one of those questions I often ponder – how is our lot in life determined?
Has the purpose of our existence already been laid out before us? Or do we just wing it along the pendulums of fate, making the most of whatever the Universe offers?
As the distressing story of the newborn found in a Sydney drain unravels itself, I’ve made a conscious decision to reserve judgment, notwithstanding the mother has already been charged with attempted murder.
Amongst the countless messages and comments of condemnation and hate that have accompanied this tragic story, we – the general public – still don’t know what the real situation was.
But social media makes it so easy for us to hastily jerk that knee and make harsh judgments. It seems to be the easier option than to offer compassion or understanding.
Despite desperately wanting to start a family and being promised all the support in the world from a loving husband and my surrounding family, I was still shit scared about being a mum.
When Mr Surfer eventually went back to work and I was left alone in the house with two teeny tiny babies.
Left with the heavy responsibility of how to breastfeed twins on my own was terrifying. The isolation was unbearable.
No one can deny how lonely and overwhelming this mothering gig can be.
Everyone’s circumstances are different. Everyone deals with them differently.
Unfortunately, there are those who are desperately believe they can’t cope at all; that there’s nowhere to turn to for help or support.
A Tasmanian senator has been campaigning for Baby Safe Haven legislation in Australia, where hospitals provide an incubator for parents to anonymously leave behind their newborn.
I don’t know if this is the answer but it’s a step forward in acknowledging the issue and working towards some sort of solution.
In the meantime, I’m going to focus my energy on the health and wellbeing of that little innocent baby boy who thankfully – despite the terrible odds against his lot in life – survived.
Joining Essentially Jess for #IBOT
When I heard that baby survived I couldn’t believe it. God obviously has grand plans for that little bub. You’re right. We shouldn’t judge until we know the full story. We’ll probably never know the full story in this case. As you say, let’s just leave them be. They have enough going on without media exacerbating the situation. I wasn’t aware of the Baby Safe Haven. It sounds like an interesting initiative.
Renee at Mummy, Wife, Me recently posted..Five stay-at-home date night ideas
I think that Baby Haven is a great idea. (Maybe I haven’t completely thought it thru but on spec it sounds great). As I said elsewhere, unless you are in the shoes, you don’t see the same view.
Lydia C. Lee recently posted..The Art of Happiness (Part 3)
I’ve read that “baby dumping” is such a huge problem in South Africa that hospitals have collection points where distressed mothers can leave their babies knowing they will be well cared for. I think we can all agree its a much better option than dumping them down a drain. I am all for something similar here. In the meantime I can only hope that the little boy is adopted into a good family where he will be cherished.
Mumabulous recently posted..The Comet vs The Ass
My post today is about this very thing. I’ve been criticised a bit for it but I think it’s entirely possible to feel compassion and empathy for someone without condoning the terrible action they’ve taken. My heart breaks for all involved.
Amy recently posted..The Price of Compassion
Well said, Grace. Behind every tragedy like this there is a person struggling. x
Deb @ Bright and Precious recently posted..Little Lion Part 4
I can never understand what a Mum must be thinking to want and have to do something like abandon their baby. I think having a collection point where Mums can leave babies when they’re in situations like this can only be a positive for these babies x
Carla from my yellow heart recently posted..Holidaying Without Children { 4 Things You Must Do }
Well said Grace. I am disgusted by some of the comments. That poor baby, but also that poor woman. She hid her pregnancy from everyone and obviously felt at the time that was her only option. So clearly there were issues from the start. How about instead of standing outside the court harassing her family and friends we look at how a woman could ever think that was her only choice, and how to stop it from happening again.
Aroha recently posted..Why Puppies are Like Toddlers
What has actually worried me throughout this is wondering if the mother is getting sufficient care. I don’t know if this is a weird level of judgement and compassion but to put it bluntly, something may not be right if that was her only course of action. I don’t believe that people are just evil (generally speaking), and I just hope that care is available to her.
Vanessa recently posted..Our Need For Nature
Beautiful post Grace. I too am reserving judgement. It is so easy in this situation to completely fly out in rage and anger at what has been done, but I think the only truth to an outsider is that the story is complex and twisted and we are in no position to judge. Hope and faith shine through this – in the resilience of that little baby. He has a story to tell, a reason to be here, a message to give to the world to learn – for that I find gratitude. And I wish him health and a good loving home. The Baby Safe Haven is a brilliant idea – so brilliant it should be implemented instantly x
Josefa @always Josefa recently posted..Imagination is everything
It has now come out that no one knew she was pregnant, not her father and not the father of the baby. This makes me wonder what sort of family life this young girl had where she felt she had no other alternative.
Obviously she could not count on any family support and may in fact feared the repercussions if she told those closest to her. Terribly sad story, I’m just glad this this little baby is doing well, he is destined for great things!
Mandy, Barbie Bieber and Beyond recently posted..Barbie…I Can Be A Computer Engineer
I honestly think that baby survived for a reason.
Before I had kids I would’ve probably jumped straight to the conclusion all the angry people are and while the thought of deliberately putting a baby down a drain still doesn’t sit well with me, having endured PND I can see if she was completely depressed how she may have thought it was ok (at least in her mind). When I had PND I had overwhelming thoughts that bub would be better off without me and would have a much better life with a mother who knew what she was doing. I never ever thought about harming her but I kept thinking in my mind how much better off she’d have been if she had a different mother. I can see how someone in a much more desperate situation than me who didn’t have help could somehow reconcile that the baby might be better off that way. It doesn’t make any rational sense to normal people, but I’m sure she didn’t do it to harm the baby, she most likely thought that he was honestly better off that way. Which doesn’t make it right at all and she should be punished, but I think a psych facility would be better than jail in cases like this. I think the baby drop off zones would be a good idea because god knows how many other babies are dumped that we don’t hear about.
Toni @ Finding Myself Young recently posted..Mummy Must Have | Knotlace
I too am reserving judgement. We don’t know all the circumstances. I have seen strong women, friends of mine, fall to their knees and become someone who I don’t recognise all because of PND. I’m not saying this mother had PND but it is an example of how mental health can impact on a person and what choices they make. Like you – my introduction to motherhood was twins. I was lucky enough to have my husband home with me for the first 8 weeks. When he went back to work and I was at home, alone with two babies – I was terrified! It was hard! Motherhood – as you so rightly say – is a tough gig!!
Min@WriteoftheMiddle recently posted..17 Steps to treat Endofyearitis!
Beautiful post, Grace. I don’t know what the solution is, but branding the mother a monster not only belittles her, but anyone who has trouble coping with the arrival of a bub. It says that this is not normal, when in fact we’ve all felt like we couldn’t cope at times.
Emily recently posted..The Eleventh Hour – Graeme Base (a book review)
Great post Grace. None of us know the family situation but it still pulls on my heartstrings after I recently had a bub that someone could throw their baby down a drain. I even thought the worst – what if the baby had been stolen? Throwing babies away is cmon in third world countries especially Africa. I hope the mum gets the care she needs and that the baby will be well cared for.
Bec @ The Plumbette recently posted..My Reading Style
Great post and I think the idea of a baby haven is excellent!
Deborah recently posted..Finding my voice – NaNoWriMo
It’s such a horrible and heartbreaking situation, and you are so right – we are not in a position to pass judgment. I don’t have a solution but there must be some way to implement better strategies for unwanted babies. There are so many parents out there who for whatever reason cannot bear their own children and who would love and cherish one of these babies. Surely the solution lies therein? Of course, it is not black and white and so many other considerations but it has to be an option. Somehow. Someway. Much better than throwing a child into an already broken ‘system’.
Jodi Gibson (JF Gibson Writer) recently posted..Hitting the wall
I’m with you Grace. There is more to this story than we know. Perfectly healthy people don’t do what she did, which suggests that she needs more support than judgement. I just hope she gets the help she needs.
EssentiallyJess recently posted..And Now For Something Different… #IBOT
I would love to see a system where mothers/fathers could give up their babies without fear of judgment or recrimination. There are a lot of people who would happily have loved and cherished that little boy. Hopefully in future this can lead to mechanisms being put in place to avoid desperate acts like this again.
Hugzilla recently posted..Hugzilla on Books: My Reading Style
I agree, people tend to jump on social media and start blurting out all of their knee jerk reactions without stopping to think, consider and know all of the facts.
Malinda @mybrownpaperpackages recently posted..My Botswana
I couldn’t agree more with this. I say they should bring in safe places for parents to leave such children as they do in dozens of developed countries across the world. No one should judge before they’ve stepped in a person’s shoes.. x
Emily @ Have A Laugh On Me recently posted..Are Queensland police drawing their guns too readily?
Well said Grace. It’s so easy to jump on our soap box and throw about our opinions but we have no idea of the circumstances or what that mother has/is going through. I think drop points for distressed parents to leave their babies if they feel they have no other option is a step in the right direction. It’s got to be better than babies being left like this.
Becky from BeckyandJames recently posted..A Sheltered Life
I still can’t believe the baby survived in a drain for five days??? How is that possible, I know how much new born’s love to feed every couple of hours – sometimes every hour when they are really little so I am very stunned he survived.
He must be here for a reason, his guardian angel kept him alive so he is going to do really great things in life.
The mother….I so feel for her, she must be in a really bad place to have carried out her actions and then go on about her daily living. So wished she had someone/anyone that she could have turned to. Its really sad for everyone because the baby misses out on his Mum and Mum misses out on living.
Lisa Wood recently posted..Raising Five Sons
I’d never judge. I also deliberately avoid coverage of upsetting stories. I don’t know what we already know about this young woman but her circumstances (completely apart from mental health state) are not known to us are they?
What if she or someone else were from a family where a lack of virginity/ “adultery”/sex out of wedlock were all serious considerations? What if someone were in a situation where an “honour killing” may take place in retribution? We don’t know everyone’s stories. We can’t ever say we know it all from here.
As the mamma to twins, too, I still remember how terrifying and dark and chaotic some of those early days were, trying to juggle their vying demands and feeling pretty hopeless at this new role as “mother”, and that’s 16 years later. I can’t judge this woman. I just know something went desperately wrong.
Jolly recently posted..Mark Latham and the West Side Story
Absolutely Grace, we weren’t in the mother’s head, so don’t know what was going on. I can’t even imagine the desperation she must have been feeling, to do this, and she has to live with this for the rest of her life. I imagine the little one was meant to be found, and has someone looking over him.
There’s nothing to compare to the feeling of hopelessness and helplessness you experience when your newborn is the most frightening thing in your world. Some of us have the support network we need to pull through that time, and some don’t.
I hope both baby and mother receive the care they need. x
Lisa@RandomActsOfZen recently posted..Life’s Way Too Short
I just finished reading handbag Mafia’s post and then came over to your blog and saw this. Now I have tears. What lovely bloggy women I have in my bloggy world! So much kindness and compassion. I imagined you all isolated and feeding the twins and it brough bag some dark memories of feeding my little guy … all alone. the quote you chose is perfect!
Peachy Keen Mumma – Jess recently posted..A Year On from Post Natal / Partum Depression
correction *brought back
Peachy Keen Mumma – Jess recently posted..A Year On from Post Natal / Partum Depression
One of the local radio stations linked to a story about the safe havens. The comments on that post were disgusting. They ranged from the mother should kill herself if she wants to dump the baby to telling women to just close their legs. I sometimes think that I’m pretty cocooned when I’m on social media but as soon as I read the comments in news articles I’m brought screaming back to reality.
TEGAN recently posted..Interview with a 5 year old
Well said Grace.
Leanne @ Deep Fried Fruit recently posted..Day 1878 – I cry
I don’t think judgement ever helps, unless it comes with justice and we will have to wait and see how this terrible case plays out in court, if it ever gets there. The safe havens are such a logical idea and I have to wonder how our system, with its resources and support available, failed this mother. This is an issue close to my heart, and I can only thank God that this special little boy survived to live a full and important life.
Kathy recently posted..Nothing – it’s what you really need
Those were my thoughts exactly when I read the news. We do not know what this woman has gone through or what she is going through. She could have severe PND, she could have been psychotic, she could have some other problems. The fact is, we don’t know and therefore, we cannot judge. I like the idea of a Baby Safe Haven. When you think of all the people who want to have babies and can’t, it’s a perfect way to adopt through those channels.
Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life recently posted..A freak accident. A life lost. Another halted.
I don’t know what to think or feel either. She must have been desperate and yes the system failed her.
A safe haven would be a good idea but the child will always have unanswered questions. Adoption is easy – relinquish the child and you have 28 days ‘cooling off’.
I love these words – wing it along the pendulums of fate !
Trish recently posted..Things I should tell you
This happens often in South Africa, babies are dumped in dirt bins; latrine pits and in open velds (fields). It is difficult not to judge the mothers who do this, because there are hospitals and churches and orphanages and Moses basket where you put the baby in a basket at a home and ring the bell. However, most of these mothers are usually young girls; some who were raped; some who were promised the world by rich foreign men from West Africa, who then leave them and they fear being ostracized by their community when they go home.
Sadly there are organisations that want to stop “whole in the wall – Moses basket” places of safety as they say this will encourage girls to dump their babies. I totally disagree, because babies are still being thrown away literally and yet we have these places of safety – no questions asked, The problem lies in the fact that these Moses baskets are usually not accessible to these young girls.
**** my apologies should be stop the whole “hole in the wall”
Dianne recently posted..Get Into The Rubybox Kissmas Spirit
Well said, Grace. As soon as I heard this story, I thought about the mother and how desperate she must have been. This makes me think of that Paul Coelho quote “we can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation.” I hope mum is getting the help and support she needs and that the baby has a healthy, happy life.
Sammie @ The Annoyed Thyroid recently posted..Thermomix Walnut Cake
You hit the nail on the head Grace. I think the whole situation is so very sad for both the mother and the baby. It’s way to easy to judge people these days and I honestly don’t think we have any right to x
Robyn recently posted..The importance of reading to your child. A guest post by Jennifer Birch
I am just so thankful someone heard his cries and he was rescued. I just can’t understand why someone could do such a thing, but I do understand irrational thoughts and being in a cloud of depression. I do hope she is getting the help she needs.
Alicia O’Brien recently posted..It takes a woman