Barney – Our Bright Blue Beast of Burden

One of the big reasons why I love my Hubby so, is because like me but unlike many heavy metal inclined males, he has no interest in cars or anything automotive.  (Score !)

You see, back in the day when life was carefree and single, there came a point where I was jack of dating super mega losers (and Carrie Bradshaw thought she had it bad).  To deter from making repeated bad choices, I decided to follow two rules:

1.  Never date a good looking guy

2.  Never date a guy with a flashy car

Harsh, I know.  But trust me.  If you knew me during my single gal years, you would also be familiar with my terrible track record (Is this a call for another blog, perhaps ?  “Single Grace and the City” ?)

When I returned to Sydney, I stayed close to the above mentioned drastic measures.  They kept me focused on what was important for me in finding a partner:

• Someone pragmatic and reliable
• Someone without pretention
• Someone honest.  Transparent, even
• Someone with a great sense of humour and can laugh at themselves
• An optimist

Ta daaaaah !  Along came my future Hubby…

On our first date, he picked me up in his rather dated navy blue Mitsubishi Magna.  The first thing I noticed before stepping into the passenger’s side was the antenna.  Well, actually, the lack thereof.  In its place, was a coathanger bent – quite artistically – in the shape of Australia.  I was impressed.  We were onto a flying start.

6 and a half years of courtship, marriage and twinlets later, we have pretty much become the standard Aussie family with a home in the ‘burbs, complete with our permanent family fixture – our beloved Ford Falcon sedan, “Barney”.

As our modest 2 bedroom apartment is surrounded by 5 bedroom with swimming pool mansions and brand new, shiny black 4 Wheel Drives – we stand by our penchant for pragmatic, non flashy cars.

In our extremely posh neighbourhood, our beloved Barney sticks out like a sore thumb…with a decrepit, dirty, old Band-Aid on it.

So, as a polar opposite to our immediate neighbours who like to brag about the special features of their shiny, sexy wheels, let me share with you some of Barney’s “endearing qualities”:

Busted door handle:

If anything, this has become a great practical joke to all our guest passengers.  They step into the car, try to shut the door and suddenly shriek when they find the  door handle in their hand.  Hilarious…

There is a consulation:  That handle can be hanging by its tether with the electric cables…but without fail, the electric window button ALWAYS works.  Amazing !

Sexy LPG tank:

Like I said, my beloved Hubby is a pragmatic fellow.  So, when he got Barney, he was willing to give up a bit of space to save on petrol.

Yet, this decision was made way before you could say, “Proud Parents of Twins”.

Yes, we save stacks on petrol.  But when it comes to family outings, oh boy, there’s a big sacrifice on room:

Prominent dents on the boot:

It’s interesting when friends, relatives and acquaintances notice these dents.  They all seem to assume that I am the culprit.  Me.  Because I’m female.  And I’m a driver.

Well people, you can all gasp in shock and surprise, but: I didn’t do it.

For the record – Hubby did it.  He was reverse parking and didn’t see the tree.  So, BANG.  He then straightened up and made a second attempt…DOUBLE BANG.

It takes quite a few attempts to close the boot properly now.  Even then, the success rate is minimal.  Hence, the icon on the dash board that tells us we have a door open is constantly lit.  Go figure.

White string keeping license plate in place:

Okay, I must admit, this finely detailed feature has since been repaired.  But gee, it sure made a great conversation starter whenever we picked friends up.

Big plastic bow on roof rack:

Unlike the white string, the plastic is still intact.  Since Christmas, in fact.  It is the remnants of a giant- sized, custom made rug that we got for the lounge.

Hubby was picking me up from the front of the supermarket one day.  As I waited for him, I could clearly see in the distance, among the sea of cars, a bright blue Ford, complete with a big plastic bow on its roof rack approaching me.  Suddenly, I was reminded me of a shark’s fin circling the ocean, looking for prey.

For all of his bunged up glory, Barney is as reliable and efficient as they come.  He brought our boys from the hospital safely and soundly; Despite running late, he got us to the doctor’s in time for their 6 month jabs…on a flat tyre; He has made many a long, tiresome trips to grandparents at the Big Roundabout and ‘Nulla without any glitches.

Barney is family.

For security and confidentiality’s sake, I did consider blurring out Barney’s license plate number.  I searched high and low regarding the repercusions of full exposure.  But, I soon discovered that it was no more worse than putting your contact details on the White Pages and having every telemarketer from Mumbai and New Delhi call you in the middle of dinner.

Furthermore, the thought hit me, ” In risk of Barney being stolen ?  Really ?  Highly doubtful…”

So there you go…bumps, busted door handles and shonky license plate numbers tied up in white string.  All has been revealed.

Love you to every last falling mechanical bit, Barney.

Edit:  It is duly noted that I didn’t completely follow my stringent rules of dating for the mere fact that my husband is a total spunk bubble.  But hey, in this particular case, one out of two ain’t bad.  Right ?  Right.