A Mother’s Zen…Or A Lack Thereof

Me...about to lose my Zen...

Like the early rumblings of an earthquake, I could feel it approaching.  First, there was the rush of blood to my head, then my heart began to quickly pulsate.  The inevitable was happening.  I couldn’t fight it.  I was losing my Zen.

The boys were due for their mid morning sleep and they were just about over the edge. Normally, my boys were great at self-settling.  All it took was getting them snug and zipped up in their sleeping bags, “plug in” the pacifier and in seconds, everyone was in dreamy la-la land.  However, for some unknown reason, this particular morning was doomed for disaster.  Breakfast had been a struggle and the boys had been restless ever since.  It had been over an hour since I had put the twins in their cots but the situation was dire.  Screaming banshees had taken over my house…and my mind.

Shaken up with stress and with no one around to help me think straight, I left my children’s room and firmly closed the door.  I ran to our laundry which is located at a safe and sound-proof distance.  To be completely sure that I was locking myself out from the world, I shut the door tight.  I couldn’t contain myself any longer.  Whilst yelling all sorts of profanities at the top of my lungs, I gave our washing machine three mighty, solid kicks.  The crashing, loud noise was what I needed to get the frustration out of my system.

With my heart still beating wildly, I took a couple of deep breaths.  I closed my eyes and stayed in the laundry room until I collected myself.  I couldn’t believe what had just come over me.  Since the boys were born, I had never experienced losing so much self-control.

Let me further explain – I may not have much time or tolerance for telemarketers who call during dinner or people who drive while talking on the mobile phone…but when it came to my two little munchkins, I was confident that motherhood had taught me the valuable virtue of patience.

So, what was the cause of the outburst ?  Later that day when I had a moment to reflect, I discovered a cold, hard truth.  In all my efforts to be a perfect mother, I had failed to realise that there were going to be unforeseeable moments where motherhood was going to take my temperament to places I had never been.  Hence, losing my Zen.

What actually is a Mother’s Zen, I hear you ask ?  In fear of sounding esoteric or “spiritual”, I will define it in laymen’s terms.  The epitomy of a Mother’s Zen is what you see on the Huggies nappies ad:  The picture of that sweet, gentle mother smiling lovingly down at her placid, perfect baby, with a light and airy version of “It Must Be Love” playing in the background.  (I used to really love that song).  When I first entered motherhood, I thought that this benevolent saint type figure was what I was supposed to be aiming for.

After that washing machine morning , I finally figured that it was all a farce.  I don’t know who initially conjured up this flawless, perfect image.  And if I wasn’t a mother, I probably wouldn’t notice it. But I am and it’s everywhere.  In all the baby shops, on the packaging and labeling of baby products, in the celebrity gossip magazines: The misleading notion that a mother is always tranquil. Holding an inner peace.  In a complete state of serenity.  Geez…some days, I’m lucky to be in a state of sanity, let alone serenity.

Now, let’s return to everyday life and tackle the issue at hand:  If we lose it, what does it take to get our Zen back ?  This is how I look at it – alongside the concept of Zen, is the practice of meditation.  For me to avoid further damage to our washing machine (That was a one-off incident, I might add), my form of meditation is exercise.  Twice a week – rain, hail or shine – I work it out, sweat it out and punch it out.  It’s only a short absence, but I finish up the session desperately missing my munchkins and rush back home.  I always look forward to being greeted by their welcoming, smiling faces.  From that moment, I know I’ve regained the confidence and energy to be the best mother I can be to my beloved boys.  I get my balance back.

It would be nice to always be a Huggies mum but I know that’s not my world.  I have my days when the pressure of being a responsible and providing mother takes its toll. Yet, I am now comfortable with that thought because I have also discovered what I need to do to try and put things back in perspective.

So now, I hand the floor over to all fellow mothers out there.  I’d like to hear your stories.  When have you lost your Mother’s Zen ?  But more importantly, what does it take for you to regain balance and perspective ?

We are all too exposed with the pretty, fluffy side of motherhood.  Let’s delve into the realities.