As you read this, I’ll be sweating it out in good ol’ sauna that be Jakarta city.

It’s chaotic, crazy, polluted, over-populated but it’s my birth place and I love every inch of its convoluted madness.

FYBF has traditionally been about light-hearted fun.  You know, a little respite from the week before we head into the weekend. (Not that us parents get a break then either…Just sayin’)

I thought I’d try something a little different here while I’m on holidays.

Over the next 4 weeks,  I’ll be featuring a series of posts titled, “Fears, Tears and Belly Laughs”.

Each week, a blogger (of the awesomesauce kind, of course) will be writing on each of the themes, with “Belly Laughs” in 2 instalments.

This week, I present Tegan from Musings of the Misguided.

Sit back. Sink into this post.

Make sure you leave behind lots of comment love because it takes a lot of courage to write so beautifully and honestly about Fear.

Thanks for sharing a piece of your heart with us, Tegan.

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Fear can consume you.  It can chew you up and spit you out.  Fear can also motivate you.  It can push you to do things that you thought were beyond your realm of control.  It can mean the difference between forging ahead or staying stagnant, allowing the hackles of life control you.

Fear can be healthy, it can push you to the edge, then over and into the unknown.  It can make you step outside your comfort zone, exposing you to things that you never thought were possible.  Fear can control your every action, leaving you paralysed, unable to make a choice.  It can strip away your strength, leaving you a shell of nothingness.

Fear is what you make it.  Everyday I live in fear.  I let it motivate me and I feel it restrict my breathing, a strong foreboding at the pit of my stomach.  Fear helps me get out of bed in the morning.  It means that I try to make a difference in my son’s life for the better.  Fear helps me learn from my mistakes.

Fear burns at the pit of my stomach.  It leave me breathless, unable to make a move.  I feel overwhelmed and nothing seems to fit right.  Fear stops my hand from reaching out for help, it keeps my tongue tied when I need the words to flow.  Fear keeps me stuck in a rut, no way forward, no way back.

Fear consumes me, both for the good and the bad.  It means that I forge ahead, wanting my son to have the best that he deserves, while staying still, unable to decide which fork in the road to take.  I fear reaching out, unsure of the reaction.  I blurt out my problems, fear stopping me from doing it any other way.  I write them down, make them real but the words don’t seem to form in my mouth.

Fear makes me angry, lashing out at the unfairness of it all.  I curl into myself, lashing out at anyone who dares to come close.  I’ll hurt you before you hurt me.  Fear is bred deep in my psyche, unsure where the emotions end and I begin.  Fear fuels my depression, causing me to become immobile, motivation quickly waning.

Fear means I look at my son and feel dread.  I love him more than anything in the whole world.  I worry about what the future holds for me, that I’m not doing enough to prepare him for it all.  I worry that my beautiful, sensitive, funny boy won’t survive in a world that looks for the tough and the strong.  Fears makes me think that I will never be enough for him.
I don’t want to be ruled by fear, but I don’t know where to begin.  This is me, the only me I have ever known, but something has got to give.  I need a change, fear needs to stop being in the drivers seat.  Fear doesn’t own me, I need to own it.  I need to find a way to live with it in harmony, to let it grow with me instead of against me.

Tegan is the self confessed Queen of Awesome and worshiper of vodka.  She regularly has her ranty pants on because frankly they are more comfortable than denim undies.  It’s a public service really.   She can be seen talking things mental illness, parenting and lamenting the stupidity of the world at Musings of the Misguided.

You can find Tegan on Facebook and Twitter 

1. Follow With Some Grace.

2. Sign up to the awesome Digital Parents community ( if you haven’t already done so). DP was created by Brenda Gaddi who happens to be the creator of FYBF. She’s also created 4 gorgeous kidlets. In case you’d like to know. Or maybe not. But we’ll share that info just the same.

3. Add your post URL to the linky. Please only link up one post.

4. Grab the funky FYBF button and post it on your sidebar. Help spread the blogfloggin love.

5. Visit the blogs of your fellow FYBF’ers and share the comment love