Was it really only yesterday when the shittiest day of my living history occurred?
The fatal phone call from my mother early in the morning as I stepped out of the gym, hearing the tragic, unbelievable news. Screaming out on the street and falling in a heap on the curb, where I could no longer bear to hear her sobs for mine had taken over.
How I somehow, despite the shock, managed to drive back home, the whole time with a friend on hands free – being my rational conscience and guide – calmly telling me that just as it was okay to let the other motorists take over, so I needed to do the same with my grief.
Hugging my husband so tight because the pain in my chest was too much to bear on my own. Repeatedly asking him to tell me that none of this mad nightmare was true. The fact he couldn’t reply with what I wanted to hear, made me slowly come to realize that this wasn’t a cruel, terrible joke.
This was reality.
A beloved family member – someone who was the closest thing I ever had to a sister – is gone. Just like that – in one swift, merciless swoop.
The endless circle of questioning this pain and injustice; why bad, terrible things happen to such kind, caring, benevolent people.
It doesn’t make sense. It challenges my faith.
I’m furious at this screwed up world. I’m terrified that in this same place of endless tragedies and unpredictable danger, I’m trying to raise my own children with self-confidence and independence.
Yet, it’s in my faith where I find my strength.
I see the unconditional love; subtle yet significant ease and comfort that comes with sharing a heavy, laden burden of sadness among family and close-knit community; the unshakeable faith that their God will stay close by, carrying the suffering through to an eventual sense of inner peace and the hope that we will all meet again one day.
Within a couple of hours of hearing the tragedy, relatives from all corners of the globe made immediate plans to support a grief stricken family. There, right there: concrete evidence of human kindness and the power of unwavering loyalty.
While frantically figuring out the logistics and ticket reservations over constant phone calls and Facebook messages, we can all cry together, reminding each other’s integral part of this vast family circle.
I need to try and be thankful for blessings, even if they are unforeseeable right now.
And I guess that’s what faith is. Trusting that somehow, everything will be okay.
Never the same again. But okay.
As a wise friend told me, death ends a loved one’s life but it can’t stop the loving relationship we have with them.
And there, we find solace.
Selamat jalan, my beloved Kak Rytha.
May you rest in peace and tranquility.
Until we meet again.
Tat says
Oh Grace, I’m so sorry. I’m struggling to find the right words, but sending lots of love your way and if there is anything I can help with please let me know, I’m around. xx
Tat recently posted..Christmas family traditions: creating our own
Christine @ Cooking Crusade says
Grace I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. God bless.
Dorothy says
So sorry for your loss, Grace. The hurt will be less over time, but it will always be there in your soul.
Dorothy recently posted..Christmas Stillness
Renee at Mummy, Wife, Me says
The pain and heartache you experience when someone is taken unexpectedly from you is indescribable. I hope that your pain can somehow become manageable with the support of your family and through using this creative outlet. Sending you much love and hugs xo
Renee at Mummy, Wife, Me recently posted..A new year
Dreama says
Well put, sir, well put. I’ll cealtinry make note of that.
Emma Fahy Davis says
I can feel your pain seeping through your words, thinking of you and your family in your time of grief and keeping you in our prayers xx
Emma Fahy Davis recently posted..2013: Five of… the toughest
Julie @ Off to the park says
Oh Grace I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. Nothing anybody can say can ease the pain of losing a loved one. 🙁 Remembering the good times and how much I loved my Dad, helped me this past year when I lost my Dad to cancer last Christmas. Sending you a big virtual hug. xo
Julie @ Off to the park recently posted..Christmas greetings!
Francesca says
So sorry to hear of this tragedy, Grace. My prayers are with you and your family xx
Francesca recently posted..I Baked Biscuits With My Children … And Survived!
Vicki @ Knocked Up and Abroad says
So sorry Grace. Keep up your faith and cuddle in close to loved ones who will help take the weight of your grief xo
Vicki @ Knocked Up and Abroad recently posted..The Pre-Christmas Glamping Special!
Veronica@ Mixed Gems says
xo
Lara @ This Charming Mum says
Oh Grace, I’m so very sorry for your loss. It is so hard to make sense of the universe when these things just come out of nowhere. Best wishes in this time of grief x
Lara @ This Charming Mum recently posted..Merry Christmas, with love from the ’80s
Deb @ Bright and Precious says
So so tragic, Grace. I’m so sorry for your loss. The universe makes no sense whatsover. Grief is the blackest night. We are here for you. Keep writing if you want. Do whatever you need in all the time you need. Sending so much love to you. xxx
SarahD @SnippetsandSpirits says
I know words can never take the pain away Grace. I am so glad you have been able to compose this post to help you see a little clearer. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Keep your supporting family and friends close in this time of need. As the saying goes you find out who the true people are.
Keep writing it will help maybe not now but it will eventually. Strength to you x
SarahD @SnippetsandSpirits recently posted..My 2013 in Pictures
PlanningQueen says
May your faith be strong. Take care Grace. xx
PlanningQueen recently posted..Homemade Noodle Boxes
Kathy says
Grace- you are so brave to write in your grief and I hope you can get some comfort that our thoughts are with you. Your loss is a measure of the strength of your relationship with your lost loved one and I really believe that will be a comfort in the days to come. If He thinks in balance terms, which ultimately is how I believe the universe works, then we are only given loss that can be counteracted by the ‘gain’ – by the memories of the strength of the relationship we had with the loved one and by the lessons that are brought into our lives with their passing. XXX
Kathy recently posted..A very balanced Christmas
Georgia says
Grace, I am so so sorry for your loss. May you find comfort with your loved ones, and in your faith. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Georgia recently posted..A Letter To Harry and Zach: 4 Months Old
Martine@themodernparent says
Oh Grace I am so sorry xxx
Martine@themodernparent recently posted..10 ways to keep your kids and their mobile devices safe
Lydia c lee says
No adequate words to say but I’m very sorry for your loss and the pain all your family is feeling.
Kristy Vallely says
I am so so sorry Grace. Such a beautiful homage to your beautiful soul sister. She is at peace.
Kristyx
Jean says
I’ve been through the tremendous shock…I lost a sister via suicide. She left 2 adult children & hubby.
The sadness never goes away completely.
May you find ways of honouring her gifts to you.
Jean recently posted..Whimsical Dreams of Christmas Gingerbread Magic
Sam Stone @ A Life on Venus says
I am so sorry for your loss and grief Grace. I am sending love and hugs to you and your family at this tough time. xo
Sam Stone @ A Life on Venus recently posted..My personal bests of 2013
Min says
I’m so sorry Grace. Life can sometimes be so bloody unfair. May your family help and support each other during this very sad time. Sending you love, strength and big hugs. Min xoxo
Min recently posted..Believe
Psych Babbler says
I am so sorry for your loss Grace…I cannot begin to imagine the pain and the shock and the turmoil your are going through at the moment. It is unfair when someone gets snatched away so suddenly! I am glad you have people to lean on during this time. Take care… xo
Psych Babbler recently posted..Family. They are what you make.
Lisa@RandomActsOfZen says
Grace, I’m just so very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family at this terribly hard time. Love and strength to you darling xx
Lisa@RandomActsOfZen recently posted..All I Want For Christmas Is……
Pinky Poinker says
I just had a discussion with my husband about all I’m grateful for before I read this post Grace. No one knows what to say to anyone at a time like this but I will say that I hope you and your families get through this time of grief and find strength and serenity through your faith x
Pinky Poinker recently posted..A Spooky Tale: Pinky Visits a Ghost Town
Rhian @melbs says
I’m so sorry for your loss Grace, thinking about you and praying for you at this awful time. Lots of love xxx
Rhian @melbs recently posted..2013 – More new beginnings.
Lisa Wood says
So very sorry Grace. Sending you love and hugs. You are so right, loved ones are always within you for ever. It’s times like these that do question our faith but it’s also where everyone will be there for each other. I don’t understand why people are taken too early from this world but I do know that they are kept alive through their family and friends – talking and sharing the life they lived. Sending love xxx
Lisa Wood recently posted..Shout It From The Rooftops
Ai Sakura says
So sorry for your loss, dear Mama Grace. Deep condolences to you and your family xox
Ai Sakura recently posted..Fitness Diary :: Crossfit Fundamental Course @ Crossfit Hub
Aleney says
Love and strength to you Grace. x
Aleney recently posted..Raffles reviews: Din Tai Fung, World Square, Sydney
Emily @ Have A Laugh On Me says
Oh Grace, with a tear in my eye, I stand outraged that someone so precious and young was taken before their time. Hugs, love and strength to you….. As you know I’m a person of the universe, so I believe that her soul will be with you forever, whenever you need her. Em xxx
Emily @ Have A Laugh On Me recently posted..In 2014 ask yourself “what is the worst thing that can happen if…”
Jules says
I am so sorry for your loss.
Sarah @ Slapdash Mama says
I am so sorry Grace.
Sarah @ Slapdash Mama recently posted..Have more sex. Be more fun.
Kylez @ A Study in Contradictions says
Death sucks at the best of times. Sudden death even more so. I’m sending you super big hugs through cyberspace Grace. xxx
Kylez @ A Study in Contradictions recently posted..2013. The Blog Year that Was
Cassandra says
I’m so sorry for your loss! God and Love be with you. x
Cassandra recently posted..Follow-up to that thing I asked you about…
Zanni Louise says
Dear Grace, I am so sorry to hear about your tragic loss. I can’t imagine what you are experiencing at the moment, but am only grateful you have the love and support of your family to guide you through this difficult time. Biggest warmest hugs to you. xxx
Zanni Louise recently posted..A New Year
Alicia O'Brien says
I cannot imagine your heartache. I am so sorry for your loss and do hope you are finding solace xxx
Alicia O’Brien recently posted..The Pillow Pet army
Tegan says
She looks like she lit up any room that she walked into. There’s no words that seem to be enough. xx
Tegan recently posted..In the news
Beck says
So sorry for your loss sweet friend. I lost an Uncle on Christmas Day so I share your grief. Sending you the biggest hugs and lots of love xxx
Beck recently posted..New Years Day
mamagrace71 says
Oh Beck! I’m so sorry for your loss. Wishing you peace, love and comfort during this difficult time x
Robomum says
Having been away for a while over Christmas, I’m back on board and checking in on all my favourite people. I’m so sorry, hun. I’m so sorry. So tragic. X
Robomum recently posted..Yesterday’s Virgin