Those Days

by mamagrace71 on July 31, 2012

Squinting hard to see the humour,

But the deep haze of exhaustion heavily camouflages it.

It’s not so much even the search for self-worth,

But the need to find a true identity.

Priorities fixed and focused on all the external surroundings,

While the insides of a soul is in its own dire need of sanctity and repair.

Hearing repeatedly that all these hardships are only temporary,

Yet wondering why the heavy bulks of lethargy stay fixed in time.

When the weary head finally rests on that pillow,

Falling into a deep subconsciousness,

That can no longer catch the random thoughts of the wandering, restless mind.

Soaking in the silent acceptance,

Releasing a deep internal sigh,

Finally, surrendering…

It’s just been one of those days.

*******

I wrote this a couple of months ago, with no intention to publish it.

But I found it again in my drafts folder and while these words don’t depict how I feel today, I know the sentiments portrayed are relevant to this “chapter” in my life.

I’ve decided to post it as a reminder to myself that, while life in its entirety goes through ebbs and flows, these early stages of motherhood are just dog gone plain tough.

Maybe if I just resort to the SAHM isolation, the sleep deprivation, the all consuming toddler tantrums, then I won’t be so emotionally spent.

Accept that for the time being, my patience will constantly be tested to almost explosive extremes; the frustration will come close to breaking me.

Perhaps, it’s just about pushing through the trials and tribulations as best as my own capacity allows.

By resigning to the difficulties, I am in fact giving myself a break.

 

Joining in with Jess for IBOT.

 

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{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }

Catherine Rodie Blagg @CoTaaB July 31, 2012 at 6:57 am

I’m glad you decided to publish it Grace. Its a beautiful piece of writing and I think lots of women will relate – I certainly do!
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kirri July 31, 2012 at 7:07 am

A gorgeous piece of writing and one that so many of us can relate to.
I know that surrender and acceptance were powerful ways of being for my early mummyhood career – (yeah I’m such a veteran at 8 years lol)
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Kim-Marie from Kimba Likes July 31, 2012 at 7:11 am

Hang in there babe, and just remember. If toddlers tantrum, people might mutter a bit but most will smile and empathise because “it’s the terrible twos”. Have a toddler who has never tantrummed, ever, but who instead pushes other children? No empathy for the terrible mother. :(

Boo sucks to that, I say. Luckily, our kids are so cute because this mothering business is hard!
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Lyndal July 31, 2012 at 7:13 am

love this grace – you have such a way with words! And you are so right – by resigning and acknowledging the difficulties, the pressure is released and you can breathe xx
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Rachel from Redcliffe Style July 31, 2012 at 7:35 am

What a great piece. It is hard and we all have those days. Rachel x
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MsMandie July 31, 2012 at 7:50 am

Yes, those days. So hard. Lovely writing, Grace, and so true – by accepting the difficulties we can give ourselves a break.
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Java Jane July 31, 2012 at 8:32 am

So glad you published this post! I and I guess many other mums out there were silently nodding our heads (whilst wiping tears away like me too). This post is a reminder and will serve you well when you are having one of those days… Hopefully to lift you up and get you through!
Hope today is a good day
Xxxx
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Cassandra July 31, 2012 at 9:27 am

You’re so right. I’ve been having many of these moments of late… being stuck at home with a 16mth old, not being able to afford to go out to get a break because “things are tight” right now and using the interwebs as your only point of contact to the outside world. It gets so frustrating at times. But I’ve been here before, as my eldest is 11. These times do pass and then we wish we could have our squishy lil babies back for a little while to bask in their utter cuteness!
Love to you xo
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Yvette @ DTlilsquirts July 31, 2012 at 9:45 am

beautifully written.. glad you decided to let us read it!! :)
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Penny July 31, 2012 at 9:51 am

I’m with Cath. So glad you published it. It’s a beautiful peice of writing. I think many of us (including me) can relate to it.

‘Releasing a deep internal sigh.’ I usually let mine come out loud. Hubby ask me if everything is okay and I usually say ‘it’s a release.’ And it is.
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Ai Sakura July 31, 2012 at 9:56 am

Hang in there Mama Grace! That’s a beautiful piece you wrote and here’s one of my fave prayers -
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Praying for you wisdom to know when to fight on, and when to just accept.
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Salz July 31, 2012 at 9:57 am

I can so relate to this. Every mother will and if they say they haven’t well then they are lying to themselves. The kids make you all mad and angry then they do something which makes you want to grab them and kiss them all over. my 14mth old has been having tantrums already. They certainly don’t start at 2 and they certainly don’t stop at 3.
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Chrissie at Me and My Munchkin July 31, 2012 at 10:01 am

Big hugs for you Hun, I’m sure we can all feel your pain at some stage or another. It really is a beautiful piece you have written there. Thanks for publishing it! Keep your chin up and stay strong. As they say, this too shall pass. Chrissie xx
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Pink Ronnie July 31, 2012 at 10:20 am

Thinking of you Grace. There’s no doubt this is a tough stage of life, even with all the joys that it brings. You are not alone – we are all here reading and listening.
Hugs,
Ronnie xo
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Rita July 31, 2012 at 10:37 am

Beautiful piece of writing. Thank you for sharing it with us.
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Kelly @ HT and T July 31, 2012 at 11:06 am

Beautiful words Grace, thank you for sharing. I think it’s not only the early stages of motherhood that are tough. We are continually tested and pushed to our limits. But we are also continually rewarded. And what would be the point of life without such trials and tribulations?
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Jess July 31, 2012 at 12:31 pm

There is a lot of wisdom in that final statement. I think when we stop expecting something different, we give ourselves the freedom to enjoy just what we have.

It is exhausting, and we all have those days. Here’s to them being few and far between!
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Rachel @ The Kids Are All Right July 31, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Maybe, but maybe some of us just don’t have it in us. I know I don’t, and I’ve started paying for extra help that I can’t afford, just to save my sanity. So obviously, it will be worth it. xx
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Tat July 31, 2012 at 1:15 pm

I can remember more than a few days when I was feeling exactly the same way. It also helps to remember those days come and go. There will always be a brighter day waiting for you just around the corner.
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Happylan July 31, 2012 at 4:16 pm

This is such a beautiful piece of writing Grace, and yes I can relate to those feelings. I find sometimes if I surrender to where I am at, something completely perfect for me comes out of nowhere, or I notice something amazing that was always there but I couldn’t see it before due to the haze. xx
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Bachelormum July 31, 2012 at 4:19 pm

I guess that’s a really positive way to think of it Mama Grace: By resigning to the difficulties you give yourself a break. Either that or feel pretty glum. My difficulties are a little bit different but I feel on the same page. Sometimes I ask myself (thinking of Jack Nicholson at the same time) “Is this as good as it gets?” And I have to laugh because at least someone has already asked the same thing …
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Tina ~ Tina Gray {dot} Me July 31, 2012 at 5:17 pm

You have such a way with words, Grace. Thanks for sharing it xx
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carmen July 31, 2012 at 6:01 pm

We all need a break here and there Grace. That’s not giving in, it’s doing what is needed.
There is much strength there. xxXOoo
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BossyMummy July 31, 2012 at 7:12 pm

Beautiful writing Grace! And so true that everything is fluid and things ebb and flow. It is right to have a break and allow ourselves to breathe x

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Misha July 31, 2012 at 9:37 pm

The piece you wrote earlier is achingly beautiful. And one that resonates with me too. My youngest is about to turn 3 years old. This morning he clogged the newly cleaned bathroom sink with mud, sticks and dirt. It really got me down, even though this kind of thing happens all the time. That’s life with young kids. While there are many parts of early childhood that are amazing and you wouldn’t swap it for anything, the reality is that it is dog-gone hard. And resigning yourself to it, even for just a bit, is a break well earned. xo
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Denyse Whelan.Education Specialist July 31, 2012 at 11:31 pm

The dear man you know as B has this to say about “those days” and the like.
1. Life is a series of troughs and peaks
2. We are all “works in progress”
3. Never say never
4. We are all on parts of life’s sine curve

He loses me once he gets to 4.
But I do understand what you wrote too… Time. Knowing it changes things. Love Denyse x
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Nami August 1, 2012 at 10:23 am

In fact you are giving yourself a break and thank you for publishing this great piece before it was lost in your stack of drafts forever! Ah – what mommy-blogger hasn’t written a poem about sleep deprivation? As a matter of fact, someone (wink-wink) should start a blog-hop on it!
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Veronica @ Mixed Gems August 7, 2012 at 10:48 pm

Lovely writing, Grace. I do relate. Feeling so tired, even right now, I should just succumb to sleep but I fight it, pushing through to do “stuff” I think needs doing, pushing through high expectations of myself. I do know that things would probably run more smoothly through this season if I’d just stop fighting, resisting, struggling, and let it be. Easy to say. Hard to do.
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