A few weeks ago, I caught up with an old friend from my days in Tokyo along with his wife.
Towards the end of my time there, our polar opposite situations took a big hit on our friendship.
He was happy and lovedrunk in a serious relationship, leaving (what I thought) little time to hang out with me, who – in stark contrast – was very single, lonely and emotionally unstable.
It’s been 10 years since I left Japan and since then, he and his wife moved on to New York. Being a Sydney native though, he makes annual homecomings.
He first got back in touch with me three years ago when I was still trying to get the hang of being a mum of twinnies.
A little reserved on whether I was still in the angry, unforgiving state we last left each other, he seemed secretly pleased that even without motherhood, things had changed.
How can anyone hold a grudge for that long anyway?
While our catchups are still sporadic, we’re warming up to each other again.
Yet, our situations are still very different.
He’s caught up in the fast pace lifestyle of “New Yaaaawk”, a huge success in the financial software industry, making bucket loads of money.
While happily married, there seems to be the unspoken decision to not have children.
Despite all this, he leaves his ego (and man, I remember he could have a biggun!) at the Big Apple and immerses himself in all that is good about his home country – the fresh air, the gorgeous sunshine, the laid back appeal of drinking a beer while watching boats on the harbour.
While taking a walk to burn off our hearty fish and chips lunch, the conversation of mental health came up. Mine, in particular.
I was taking a big risk. He could’ve easily slammed me and be done. But I went with my gut feeling, told him about my journey with depression, stress and anxiety and took a giant leap of faith in our friendship.
Initially shocked, he was sympathetic. While perhaps unaware of the stigma with mental illness, he let me educate him a little, gently letting the conversation be guided by what I had to say, actively listening, holding back judgement. Though, it seemed there wasn’t any to begin with. Just pure concern.
We recalled our time in Tokyo, especially the tough times I went through, explaining that it could’ve been quite possible that even back then, I was unwell, not just a grumpy lonely old cow.
And he got it. I even think he appreciated that I opened up, despite all these years of silence between us.
I used to be shit scared telling friends about the state of my mental health.
There’s just that huge fear of judgment.
What I’ve discovered, though is that talking about it is not only cathartic, it reassures me of who my true friends are.
Trust me, for all of the many who have openly embraced my unhinged-self, there are those who don’t get it at all.
They get an immediate strike. Harsh and clinical?
No.
Just saving energy and emotion for those worthy of it.
But, I’m glad I’m talking. I need to put it out there. The more I do it, the more empowering it feels.
If you have concerns or seeking support regarding your mental health or someone close to you, call Lifeline (13 11 14) or beyondblue (1300 22 4636).
Joining Essentially Jess for another round of #IBOT!
Malinda @mybrownpaperpackages says
I think it is great that you have the confidence to talk about it. I don’t think it is anything to be ashamed of or to hide from. I’m glad your old friend could see it that way too. More people should.
Ai Sakura says
As someone who has lost friendships due to distance and/or misunderstandings, I’m really happy for you that you managed to regain friendship and clear misunderstandings with this old friend who obviously meant a lot to you.
I like that you’re a little crazy, emotional and just so wholesome and human 🙂
Ai @ Sakura Haruka
Michelle@myslowlivingadventure says
I have a couple of friends that I’ve known for years who have had issues with depression and anxiety. I’ve occasionally bought it up in conversation and been shut down, but then obviously the door is open and they’ve each talked to me about it when they’ve been ready. Good on you for talking. Those around you are always so concerned about you, and want you to be able to talk. Well that’s me anyway.
Lisa @ Mummy's Undeserved Blessings says
Well done for sharing. I still find it weird the people are so clueless about mental health these days. I know I am not always the perfect friend to my friends who struggle while their mental health, but I could never write them off just because of it. Thanks for sharing this with us.
Kathy says
Glad you got your old friend’s understanding and that perspective from afar/a long time ago in terms of your journey since, including with mental illness. Take care you.
Rita @ The Crafty Expat says
I’m glad you reconnected with your friend Grace and that you were able to open up to him. I think we need to talk more about depression as there is still so many people who don’t understand it. You have a very powerful voice Grace and it’s great that you talk about this subject openly. I’m sure it can help others.
Bele @ BlahBlah says
Such a gorgeous story. Isn’t it funny how we hold back in friendships in all sorts of ways. I find I talk about somethings with some people but not with others x
Eva @ The Multitasking Mummy says
Oh Grace, I”m so glad your friend took it well and that you were able to reconnect. As a person who has been through the same, I remember what it was like opening up too. I avoided people a lot because I didn’t want to talk about it and it was just so hard to put on a ‘normal’ face. To this day I believe that some people closest to me really don’t get it and probably never will. It’s so scary opening up, I remember feeling like an absolutely horrible and heartless person when I tried to explain what I was going through and what I was feeling. But to have friends that look beyond the surface and are willing to listen makes it so much easier.
Hugzilla says
What a lovely story, Grace. I guess you guys were meant to be in each other’s lives – you seem to have learned a lot from each other. So nice that you were able to re-connect 🙂
Mandy, Barbie Bieber and Beyond says
I guess that’s when you know when someone is truly meant to be in our lives, distance doesn’t change things nor does the the private things we share that you think might shock. People particularly our true friends are generally a lot more accepting than we think.
Denise says
It’s so nice to meet old friends and I’m glad you were able to hang out and reconnect with yours Grace. I’m selective with what I tell my friends I must admit. But there are always people I know I can confide in and that’s important. Great post xxx
Emily @ Have A Laugh On Me says
You know I look back across my friendships from 15 or so years ago and wonder about if I had missed certain signs with friends, I love how the world is starting to, well slowly, embrace mental illness. A lovely post Grace! Em (also visiting as part of #teamIBOT)
Tegan says
How awesome that he reacted so well to you opening up to him about your mental health struggles. It’s definitely a huge test for any kind of relationship and it really does separate the mice from the men. Good on you for speaking up, we need more people doing it x
Alicia O'Brien says
It does feel better to open up, and funnily enough when I found I did, people who I least expected, who suffer too, spoke up to support me. Really, it’s a small world when it comes to mental illness. There are too few that actually speak up 🙂
Renee at Mummy, Wife, Me says
I think it’s great that you’re able to use your blog to not only share your experience with mental illness and have it work as ‘therapy’ for you, but it’s also a fantastic way of raising awareness for others. That’s great you were able to mend your relationship with your friend.
EssentiallyJess says
I talk openly about PND as well these days, but I think it’s so much easier because it’s in the past. I do struggle with those who have no compassion for mental illness. That’s just not acceptable these days (as if it ever was.)
Peachy Keen Mumma says
I am becoming more convinced that the more open we are about these things the more we allow other’s to be open too, give them an opportunity to share or show sympathy. Good on you for being open Grace. The friends I can do this with are the real keepers!
Bec @ Seeing the Lighter Side of Parenting says
It’s funny – when I was first diagnosed with PND I made a conscious decision to tell pretty much anyone who asked me how I was. A lot of people seemed a little taken aback when I would reply “Oh, I’ve been really well recently, thanks. The antidepressants I’m taking are working wonders for me,” as though it was antibiotics and a chest infection I was talking about. It was amazing the stories they gave back to me though, until once I’d talked to all my friends over a period of a few months it really because clear to me that half my friends were already grappling with it themselves and the other half had been affected intimately! Well done for talking about it x
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Kim-Marie, Chief Dreamer at Kimba Likes says
Just when I thought I couldn’t adore you any more, you write this post. Good work love. You are truly Grace under fire.
Awesome work.
Oh and the friend edit? Totes get it! Um, do it!
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Robo says
The ability to open up in a friendship is so important – it’s a big must for me and a sign of a strong bond. Keep blogging about the real stuff, Grace. And have a gentle weekend. X
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Lisa Wood says
So very brave Grace, putting it out there and sharing with your friend.
I think that true friends understand, and get each other. That is what true friendships are all about….
And yes more people need to talk about their deep feelings within…I suffered Postnatal depression with one of our sons, and it had a big impact on all of our family – one that still lingers.
From time to time I still suffer depression and its scary, but I am learning to be kinder to myself and recognize the symptoms
So glad your friend was kind with you Grace, thanks for sharing from the heart xxx
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Cassandra says
It’s so wonderful when you can truly open up to a friend. There’s a wonderful feeling of release when you stop being afraid to do so, I’ve found. So wonderful that you are reconnecting with someone who seems to be a true friend after so many years. 🙂
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