It was never intended to be an act of feminism.
Maybe it was the fact that only 4 months after getting married we delved right into the overwhelming world of being first time parents of twins, leaving no time to deal with the laborious bureaucratic paperwork involved.
I just never had the urge or felt it necessary to take on my husband’s surname.
Not even when my MIL randomly asked me 6 months after our wedding (in the middle of Masterchef during commercial break, no less), what I was going to do about changing my maiden name.
(“Er, nothing…”)
Even knowing my stance on this, she still insists on sending us letters and cards addressed as “Mr and Mrs (Insert Husband’s Full First and Last Name)”.
It’s as irritating as ants crawling under my skin, but hey, I ain’t gonna change my mind.
Prior to being married, it never occurred to me that I would feel this strongly.
Actually, I was one of those girls busting to find a nice guy, with minimal baggage (at best) and a simple, common surname.
Depending on one’s interpretation, my unique maiden name could either be referred to certain female body parts or hold close sounding resemblance to a great big lake in the Andes of South America. (Take your pick).
All my life, my father’s surname has either given me grief in the school playground or quizzical looks from Motor Registry clerks or bank tellers.
Who wouldn’t want to change my name?
Then, finally the opportunity arose itself.
And for some reason, the thought of making all those fiddly adjustments; the fact that I would lose the last remains of my Indonesian identity; and all those years of effort in defending my differences and background; instincts told me not to bother.
It doesn’t mean I love my husband any less. Nor has it jeopardized the connection with my boys who indeed carry their father’s surname (Now, there’s one consolation for my MIL).
It’s not even about protecting my career and the professional reputation I built during those pre-marital days.
It’s about choice. It’s about what makes me most comfortable.
It’s about equality and mutual respect.
And correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t they the aspects of marriage, anyway?
My MIL hasn’t brought up the issue since. Maybe it was because the conversation was quickly shut down by Mr Surfer saying it was no one’s business what I decided to do.
Obviously, Mr Surfer himself doesn’t care what I do.
Hell, I could change my name to Princess Panda Poo Poo and he wouldn’t blink an eye.
As long as we’re happy and we continue our commitment to nurture and strengthen our family bond, what else matters?
Did you keep your maiden name or take your husband’s after getting married? What were your reasons? Do you think Princess Panda Poo Poo would suit me?
Joining Essentially Jess for some essential IBOT
Lydia C. Lee says
I didn’t – i was 30 when we got married – I couldn’t suddenly get a different name after 30 years. The dumbest thing people say is “it’s too confusing for the kids” which means some people have really stupid kids because mine understood I was their mother and happily married to their father since birth really.
My dad sent me a cheque about ten years after we were married and it had my husbands surname, not mine. He tried to blame his secretary but I know full well he did it. He wrote it – how was it his secretary’s doing?? So while it’s his name I’m carrying on for a little longer (I’m the last in Australia), he can’t deal with it…
But then again, I answer quite frequently to the wrong first name too, because I can’t be bother correcting people…just no so into names myself.
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Catherine Rodie Blagg says
I actually wish I’d given it more thought – I blame the pregnancy hormones. But then when it came to changing my name on facebook I couldn’t bring myself to delete Rodie. And so I became Rodie Blagg and although it’s not the name on my passport or bank cards (yet anyway) it is the name I go by.
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kirri says
Princess Panda Poo Poo, I do love you!
I could have written this very post i.e., I kept my name ‘just because’. It felt like the natural thing for me to do and I never really considered the alternative.
The unexpected bonus is not having to change any ID or paperwork in what has become an overwhelmingly bureaucratic society – I think that part is brilliant!
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iSophie says
I didn’t think much of it either, I do have a much easier surname to spell now. But I do feel sad that I lost my maiden name, it was unique.
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Shari says
Hey MS Panda Poo Poo, I kept my maiden name too. Just because. It didn’t even cross my mind that I would change it (why would I???) and, with minimal offence intended, Mrs His Surname was *his* mother’s identity, not mine. Besides, I’m really not a fan of bureaucratic paperwork and loved the fact that it could be avoided so easily.
My parents grappled with it too and for years addressed mail to me in his surname, I ignored it and possibly loved the idea of going against their grain on an issue so unimportant.
My husband at the time didn’t seem to worry and didn’t once question my decision and at least it kept things very simple during the divorce!!
I would consider a double-barrel name with mine coming first, but it’s not on the agenda any time soon!
x
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Dani @ Fitness Food And Style says
Love xx
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Cate says
I didn’t change my maiden name – the world does not need more smiths! But my name is me, I’ve had it for so long I wouldn’t remember to answer to something else.
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Salz says
I changed it and its a bitch to change everything. Im sure i have some superannuation somewhere in my maiden name. But whats more of a bitch is the australian government spelt my first name wrong on my birth certificate. So im not really salwa im selwa and if i want to change their mistake i have to pay. But i have been filling out all my forms as my name is suppose to be spelt and no one has had a problem with it.
Mumabulous says
I can so relate to this post Grace. Like you I yearned to get rid of my cumbersome maiden name. Dadabulous has a nice neat short moniker but sadly it sort of rhymes with my first name and is equally cumbersome. I wasn’t going to do the paper work for that. Besides when you marry at 37 (as I did) you have your own identity.
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Mumabulous says
Ooops – I forgot to say how stunning you look in your wedding photo.
Mumabulous recently posted..Don’t Go There
Emma says
I have a different last name, but that’s also because I’m not married! I never thought it would be an issue, but having a different last name to the kids can be a bit confusing at times (still I’m not sure why)
Last night we were discussing changing all our names to Penndragon.
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Jodi says
Any name would suit you Grace!! 🙂 Princess Panda Poo Poo is exceptionally cute!
I changed my name, didn’t have to think about it, as soon as I was married BOOM…..maiden name was out the window. From a career point of view it was easy for my LinkedIn account for example to have both names on there, as in the Marketing industry I was known under my maiden name. Suppliers and clients etc are now recognising after me after being married for 3.5 years by my married name.
However I knew we were always going to have kids, and the kids would automatically take my husband’s surname, I didn’t feel it necessary to have a different surname to the rest of my little family. I like my new surname! If it was something I was not too fond of…..I may have had some second thoughts.
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Zanni, Heart Mama says
I intended to change my name but never got around to it. I wanted to have the same name as my children but the spelling is difficult and then I realized I actually had to fill out forms…no thanks. You look amazing in your wedding photo. Xxxx
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Aroha @ Colours of Sunset says
I couldn’t wait to change my last name, although funny enough I got grief about it when I was younger, but as I’ve gotten older, there’s an awful lot of people with my maiden name who are famous, and people who know my maiden ask if I’m related to them! Mick, Dakota, Bernard…they could all be related to me, and actually I think Mick might be! I wanted the same last name as my future child/ren, simple as that really. I actually think, without that, I’d have been fine to never have gotten married (except having 2 people from different countries it’s certainly easier to move countries when you’re married).
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Cam @ notunimportant says
I am still a little confused by my wife’s position on the names.
She didn’t change her name (no one expected her to), thinks everyone should have the right to choose whatever she thinks is best for herself, but doesn’t really understand how anyone could be silly enough to change her name.
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Kathy says
I didn’t change mine. My reasons were partly philosophical and partly professional.
When I married at 25, I already had a career where I was known by my birth name, including having several publications under my belt, and a higher degree in my birth name. So it would have been a potential confusion and career derail to reset the clock at that point.
Also, I didn’t want to, and I am just ornery enough to dig in my heels harder because of the significant familial pressure from both sides to do it.
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Rachel @ The Kids Are All Right says
Nope, kept my name. It’s my name. Our Medicare card is interesting though, with three different surnames.
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Shari says
Hahaha Rachel so is mine – there’s my name, my boys’ who have the same as my ex-husband, my partner’s and our daughters double-barrelled name. Must look quite the trainwreck but it’s our normal!
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Ai Sakura says
In Singapore it’s not mandatory or a culture to change your maiden last name so like most, I just kept mine. Don’t really think much of it because when people see me as married, they still refer to me as Mrs so-and-so, regardless whether it was changed legally or not :p
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Emily @ Have a laugh on me says
I actually had a bit of trouble changing mine because we are the last of our family with that surname and my dad had 3 daughters, no sons to carry on the name, and in NZ (where we are from) there are no other families with my old surname, yes it’s that’s unusual. It wasn’t because I was being feminist about it – like you my career highlights had been made using my maiden name, and so while I changed it for marriage purposes etc, and so the kids don’t get confused, I use my maiden name for work, when I interview people I use my maiden name, when I write invoices it’s from me in my maiden name, kind of life two identities. It just makes it easier to continue writing using my same name and reputation. But I’m sure on day it will get confusing – as for Princess Panda Poo Poo – I think you could totally rock it girl 🙂
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Vanessa says
I’m married and still use my maiden name. It looked like a lot of bother to change it. Plus, on the day of my wedding my husband and I found out his legal name isn’t what he thought it was! (He had to change names as a kid & go into hiding with his family.) So name isn’t something that either of us are attached to. Also, I think the name change situation where I am (and I think many places are similar) are unfair – why is it easy to change a wife’s name to her husbands but not vice versa?
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EssentiallyJess says
I took Boatman’s, because it never occurred to me not too!
I think too, because my eldest has her dad’s surname, I hated the thought of all of us being completely different.
It’s important to him too, for me to take it. And I like my initials better this way anyway 🙂
I say if Mr Surfer doesn’t care, why should anyone?
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Psych Babbler says
I’m not married (or even close to getting married) but I’ve still thought about this issue. When I was younger, I thought I’d hyphenate my last name if I ever got married. Then in my early 20s I realised that my name is long enough as it is (17 letters!!) without adding another person’s last name to it. I want to keep my own last name because it’s my identity. It’s who I am. Who I have been for 29 (and by the time I’m married, possibly 40?!) years of my life. I’ve done a lot under this name and I wouldn’t change it. Sure, if there are kids, they can have their dad’s last name. I get what you say though about in the end, it being about choice!
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Kylez @ A Study in Contradictions says
I changed my name and for me it was two things. One, I wanted to change my one-syllable maiden name long before I met Dave. And two, I liked the idea that we could call ourselves Team Purtell. Lame, but I just really liked the idea. I do like the way my name sounds now with Purtell rather than my maiden name, although I didn’t realise that my middle name and Purtell kinda rhymed and that my initials are now crap. Literally! KRP!
I personally don’t care what people do or don’t do with regards to their name, I think each to their own, do what suits you best, but what I hate is the way people are either so for or against one or the other, thinking if someone doesn’t take their husband’s name its a very poor thing, or if you do you’re somehow not a feminist or stuck in the 1950’s or something. Just do whatever feels right ladies and who cares what anyone else thinks. It’s so not a big deal to me.
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Jackie K says
It’s funny, I changed my name when I got married at 26, but now see no need whatsoever to do so, and I sometimes regret doing it. My maiden name meant nothing much to me, and when I got married I wanted to have kids and wanted to have the same surname as the kids, which is the reason I think many women change their name. These days though it’s expected more the other way, not to change, and I think that makes more sense. There is no longer any confusion as so many families are made up of multiple surnames these days, it’s no longer an assumption that everyone has the same name.
Also my husband is Greek so I get a lot of questions/assumptions about the Greek heritage I do not actually have! And having to spell it all the time is a drag. 🙂
But I’ve carried that name long enough now that it feels like “mine”, and I wouldn’t change back.
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Eleise @ A Very Blended Family says
Funny that you are blogging about this today because I just got back from trying to change my name with the bank but as there is a mortgage it is in the too hard basket. I can’t beleive what an effort and cost it is to change your name. I am with you, it is each persons own choice. I am doing it so that our whole family has the same name.
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Emily says
You are no longer Grace to me. You must immediately change your blog name to With Some Princess Panda Poo Poo.
It’s funny, because I changed my name without thinking about it. It was never an issue, never a consideration. But when my mum remarried when I was fifteen, there was no WAY I was taking my stepfather’s surname. When people would ask or, at school, assume, they were shot down in flames.
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Lisa@RandomActsOfZen says
I didn’t even think about it, since I was 8 months pregnant I think I had a bit of baby brain 🙂
And yes, I think Princess Panda Poo Poo is quite lovely x
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Mrs Holsby says
yeah, well, if my husband’s surname was Paradiso, or Amore, I probably would have gotten around to it in flash…..but it ain’t. So, instead, my name would become something that always needs to be spelled and it’s pronunciation corrected….plus, it’s just not my name.
So, no. I’m still me.
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Lara @ This Charming Mum says
I didn’t change mine for the first few years after we got married and then for some reason when we started considering kids, I decided we need to unify the gang with a matching surname. I still couldn’t quite bring myself to be Mrs Gray though, cos it seemed like my husband’s mum’s name! So I went with a double barrel instead. I’m never sure whether it was the right call as it causes endless confusion to computer systems (doctor’s surgeries…banks…mailing lists…) but it feels like ‘me’ now, so I guess that’s that!
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Kaz @ Melting Moments says
Your smile in your wedding photo.. joyous!! I changed my name. I wanted to but totally understand why people don’t. It’s a personal choice. Good on you for doing what you want to and yay for having such a loving hubby that would accept Princess Panda Poo Poo as your name.. hehehe!
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Seana Smith says
Oops, forgot to get married!! But I wouldn’t change my name, grew up in the 80’s… my contemporaries just didn’t. My sister did when she got married in 1990 and I nearly fainted with shock. But whatever!
My name was important for my work in TV, writing etc etc and anyway, I wouldn’t recognise myself with a different name. BUT it’d be so handy to have the same name as the kids. At school I’m usually known as Mrs A, like them and that’s handy. We mums need two names tomatch our two identities.
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Vanessa @ babblingbandit.me says
I’m fiercely proud of my surname and I will never change it if I ever got married. I made that decision in my teens. I’ve just never understood why I would change it. It is my name and will be forever.
My sister didn’t change her name when she married which I was surprised by and delighted about.
My mum has been married three times so has had four different surnames in her life which is just crazy. She even changed my brother’s name with one marriage but then changed it back to his father’s name even though he hasn’t seen his dad since he was 6 or so months old (he is nearly 60 now!).
I think it is totally up to the individual but I don’t think it is necessary these days to take on the man’s name from a societal pressure point of view.
You are gorgeous Princess Panda Poo Poo and so is your family.
V.
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Kelly HTandT says
Well I think Princess Panda Poo Poo is a BEAUTIFUL name Grace. Own it.
I changed my name because I was young and I thought it was the thing to do. I wanted us to be a family, and families share a name. I don’t regret it, but I did love my maiden name. Before our wedding I joked to hubby that he should take my name instead because it sounds prettier. Didn’t work, obviously!
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Becky from BeckyandJames.com says
I kind of always thought I might not (before I met my husband) but, then, with a baby a few months away I decided I wanted us to all have the same last name.
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Mel says
My surname was one I cringed telling people so I changed it, my second marriage I was so glad to be rid of the final tie of my ex that it was a no brainer.
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Rita says
I think Grace is a perfect name for you! I kept my maiden name when I got married for a practical reason (could not be bothered in changing all the paperwork) but mainly because this name is who I am, it’s my origins, it’s where I come from. I knew I wanted to keep my maiden name long before I met the man I wanted to marry. My husband is like yours. He don’t care one way or the other. This is not important for him.
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Dani @ Fitness Food And Style says
You’re a classic Princess Pando Poo Poo!!!
I took my husbands surname even though my maiden name rocks! I am a traditionalist and love carrying the name of my children’s father. Lucky it’s just the one daddy, otherwise I’d be Mrs Depp Pitt Beckham Stevens 😉 xxD
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Sabeen says
Changed mine to the ex’s when I got married, haven’t changed it back officially to my maiden name since it all went Kaput. Having said that, I do use my maiden name now wherever possible. All the paperwork is such a deterrent.
Good on you for sticking to yours, at the end of the day as you said strengthening your bond as a family is much more important , well done 🙂
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Rina says
I don’t use my husband’s name on paper or anywhere else. Although to have been notified as Mrs. O (his surname) did sound romantic at the beginning of our relationship but at the end I think I would feel loosing my own identity. Not that I don’t love my husband it’s just using husband’s surname not our thing 😀
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Me says
I changed my name when I got married as a very young 22 yo! I had toyed with the idea of going the double barrelled name but it got to hard and I just changed it. I did regret not either keeping my maiden name or going double barrelled but at the end of the day, it is only a name, it doesn’t define who I am or what I can or can’t do and I have long ago reconciled to having the same name as my in-laws !!
I say – do what works for the two of you !!!! And Princess Panda Poo Poo totally suits you!!
Have the best day !
Me
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Veronica @ Mixed Gems says
Initially I didn’t want to because, marrying late, it is so much a part of my identity too. I did consider the double-barrelled surname but it sounds so awkward, and I’ve even tried it with his name first, then my name first. The thought has crossed my mind more with the kids around now but I’m not there yet. Hubby’s not pressured me which is great. My parents do write to us with his surname but it doesn’t irk me for some reason. Though now I’ve said it out loud in my head, I cringe a little knowing it’s the same name as MIL’s. Hmmmm…..
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Bridget says
I did, but it took a few months. I still miss my maiden name. I don’t really know why I finally did it, I just did. It has made things easier for the Army. Not having his last name was very confusing for them.
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Nami says
As an artist, I had better luck with my married name. By the way, my husband’s father left him when he was a baby, so we’re the only Russo’s in the entire clan. Funny thing is, my husband uses my maiden name when reserving at Japanese restaurants and we don’t wear wedding rings. Talk about Bohemian – your last name Rocks! And twists my tongue at the same time.
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Leanne @ Deep Fried Fruit says
I chose both. My maiden name is Shea and my married name is Langdown. I didn’t want to join the throngs who hyphenate so there is no hyphen in my name. Just Leanne Shea Langdown. First name Leanne, last name Shea Langdown. Confuses the heck out of everyone as they assume I am displaying my middle name. But no. Just my choice to use both names without having to connect them with a bolt.
Leanne @ Deep Fried Fruit
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Danya Banya says
You look amazing in your wedding photo Ms PPPP! I took my husband’s name. It just seemed right for me. Although I don’t wear my wedding rings so I’ve had people ask me what he kids surnames are. Lol.
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Becc says
Oh that’s easy, it was better and much easier (as it was longer) to create a signature, or so I thought. That signature so did not look as good on paper as I had envisioned, but I am stuck with it!
Becc @ Take Charge Now
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Carla says
I grew up with an Italian surname that nobody could pronounce *ugh*…..I couldn’t wait to take on my husbands simple, garden-variety last name!!!
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Kim @Fallling Face First says
Your wedding photo is just gorgeous Grace! I did change mine, partly because my maiden name was long and a pain in the butt to write, and I wanted my future kids to have the same name as me. Funny, though – it was quite unique, and I miss it a bit.
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Emily @ Have a laugh on me says
One more thing – I’m HANGING to know what hymns those numbers on the church board are?! It reminds me of my boarding school where every morning we had to turn to page what and sing the hymn xxx
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Francesca says
I took my husband’s name because I wanted to have the same surname as my kids. Mr O kind of wanted me to keep my maiden name and I might have if we’d been older and I’d been established in my career. It wasn’t an issue for us either way. But I’m happy with my choice 🙂
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Donna @ NappyDaze says
It should always be an individual decision that is treated with respect no matter the choice. You gotta do what feels right to you 🙂
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Toni - The Aussie Hausfrau says
I was married at 21 and changed my name. My new surname had the same initials as my maiden name. The moment we divorced I went straight back to my maiden name! I didn’t care about the paper work involved – I couldn’t wait to be rid of it and loved my maiden name more….
I married again in 2010 and took my new husbands name… After years of having long surnames I couldn’t wait to take his 4 letter surname and it’s German and it’s awesome!
But that’s just me and I can totally understand why some women would like to keep their maiden name! xx
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Kirsty @ My Home Truths says
I took my husband’s name without hesitation and would probably keep it if anything untoward ever happened between us. It was an easy decision for me, I was not tied to my maiden name and I always wanted to have a single family name, but that’s just me!
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Author Rebecca Mugridge says
This is such a great post and really resonates with me becasue my surname caused years of teasing at school, Is always spelt wrong and I mean always and on everything. I have to spell it out for everything and even then it still ends up wrong, most of my friends in my early 20’s didnt even know what my surname was I spent so much time hiding it!
I love you take on this – 🙂
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Rachel from Redcliffe Style says
I was never going to change my maiden name. Especially after my father died. I’m not sure what happened but I changed it and didn’t even blink. It was a choice I was surprised I made but I wanted to have the same name as my children. I’m usually glad I did but sometimes I wish I didn’t (like when he is a complete arse). Rachel xx
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Wedding Invitations On EBay says
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