I’ve been extremely fortunate to have people look out for me, especially during the dark times of late.
A few friends from the blogging world have taken time out of their busy schedules to drop me a line, asking me how I am. It means a lot.
I wish though, there was an emotions thermometer that could better define what I’m going through and allow me to answer more adequately than with a vague, “You know, ups and downs. Taking it day by day…”
But yeah, grief’s a bitch like that.
Just when you start feeling an inkling of hope and recovery, the next day it pounces from nowhere, piercing your already broken heart. Again.
Last week it was exactly a year since I saw her last. I remember every word of our conversation, what we ate, what we joked about.
I think of the tears she wiped from my cheeks when I said goodbye, teasing me for being such a wuss.
“We’ll see each other next year, okay???”
Last Friday, was our 5th wedding anniversary and I look through the photos of my dress, and she’s there.
Knowing she wouldn’t be able to make it, she did the next best thing.
Generously giving up her own time, she travelled all around Indonesia, searching for the perfect batik painter to design the pattern and material for my train. It took her months, she had to make countless trips but she selflessly did it all for me.
Meditation has helped a lot. I’ve mentioned it before but it really has bought some peace.
I spend 15 minutes with a tiny scented candle by my bed and just for that time, I try to put the grief and sadness for her two orphaned children aside and channel all my thoughts to her.
I focus on my love for her, how it remains steadfast and solid. I take comfort in knowing that I was part of her life and she of mine.
It may sound futile. I guess anything that isn’t tangible can be that way.
But in the most tragic and saddest of days; in the darkest hours of grief, it still exists.
Love will prevail.
And yeah, I’m doing okay. I’ll be okay. Never the same, but okay.
Thanks for asking.
Joining Essentially Jess for #IBOT