It’s been a mad couple of weeks.
Productive and kicking goals in some senses. And the traditional chaotic kind in others.
A crazy scramble of getting some projects done and ambitiously taking on some new ones.
I just need the friggin’ time.
I require a solid 3 hours straight. With no disruptions.
A big ask, you think?
I’m trying to blog and study at the same time. I’m keen to get my fitness back in place, while trying to get my business off the ground…again.
Frustrated, I lose that short fuse. All patience dissipates when the slightest mishap causes domestic life to go out of whack.
K-Bear was wired and decided to stay up watching TV until 10pm while I have my client’s business proposal waiting to be completed for the next morning. All the while, those stress levels trigger into its Mr Hyde heights again.
Ultimately, I take it all out on Mr Surfer. I snap, I bite. Then, I shut off.
And despite the subsequent attempts to amend matters, I know deep down it’s not fair on him or the boys. It’s not how I want to live my life. Or the mother I want to be.
But on the flip side, I’m desperately trying to retract some of the remnants of that pre-children, driven career woman life.
Finally last week, I sat in a cafe. Surrounded in free wifi heaven and a bottomless mug of chai latte, I took a mandatory deep breath. Soaking in the solitude.
Bob Marley’s “Three Little Birds” came on the radio.
The constant motion and juggling of the past 3 weeks caught up with me and I was forced to stop, listen to the lyrics and reflect.
Rise up this morning,
Smiled with the rising sun.
Three little birds,
Pitched by my door step.
Singin’ sweet songs.
Of melodies pure and true
This is my message to you….
‘Don’t worry, ’bout a thing,
Every little thing’s gonna be alright…’
I found myself grabbing a napkin to wipe my nose, trying to blink back the tears.
The song’s laid back reggae theme was a timely reminder telling me I’d been that (over) drama(tised) queen.
Being caught up in those the frantic, dizzy circles were only created by the demands I made on myself.
Why did I let things exacterbate ? Nothing actually needs to be done at full pelt. And certainly everything doesn’t need to be tasked perfectly.
But I stubbornly strive for it to be.
I let my own expectations soar through the roof; thinking that everything needs to reach this sky high standard. That I need to bear it all on my shoulders and plod through.
It’s attempts to become reacquainted with my old buddy, ambition.
But things are undeniably different.
This time I have my three birds.
And whatever twists and turns encountered in redefining this identity beyond motherhood, I have my constants. I have my family now.
And they’ll be the ones celebrating my birthday with me this Friday. Telling me that life doesn’t have to be a soap drama. It’s in fact, going to be okay.
Joining in Jess for IBOT