In the sudden influx of topics regarding mental illness on social media, there was one update from an Facebook “friend” that didn’t sit well with me. At all.
I like to think I’m open-minded and – with the condition we use civility, sensitivity and a HUGE serving of non-judgment – there’s space for everyone in this world to speak their peace.
But don’t start talking about the state of someone’s mental health when you have no clue what exactly was going on.
Don’t make assumptions that just because they were a TV personality or they lived in a plush apartment overlooking Sydney’s watersedge, life was spanking perfect.
A little over a year ago, I was apprehensive to start telling people that I had been diagnosed with depression, stress and anxiety.
Like, how do you bring it into conversation over casual coffee?
But when I did, people would say things that I’m sure they thought were “compliments” but really, it would’ve been better if someone came around and slapped some duck tape over their mouths.
“Aren’t you grateful for what you have?”
For me, it’s never been about being sad or sore about what I don’t have. In fact, I’m extremely gracious – for my family, my health, my friends.
I count my blessings every day and I have my own God who I give thanks to.
But who’s to argue with me that every day life isn’t stressful?
For me it was about trying to stay abreast of my responsibilities as a mother to newborn twins who were 5 weeks premature. Like having them in NICU for 2 weeks wasn’t emotionally taxing?
Lack of sleep, lack of priority on my own health, lack of human interaction; all of that added to the fact that the first 2 – 3 years of motherhood felt like I was struggling to keep my head above water.
But not for a second was I ungrateful for what I have.
“But you’re a strong person…”
Yeah, and what of it? Being strong takes strength. And sometimes it’s not sustainable. In fact, it’s just bloody tiring.
Sometimes strength is mistaken for resistance. We think that if we just keep fighting those negative feelings and just try to plough through, we’re doing really well.
And yes, that might work.
However, we forget the importance of acceptance.
Rather than accepting our mistakes or the fact we don’t feel “on top of things”, us humans mistakenly drum it in our heads that life needs to be robot perfect. Especially when it honestly isn’t.
The important thing is to seek help and support if those dark feelings have been going on for too long.
When I asked my GP if I should start thinking about weaning myself off my anti-depressants she said flatly, “You’re a mum to twins. I suggest you get all the support you can get for now.”
Right.
“But you’re always so happy and cheerful…”
Again, what of it? Like being strong, trying to stay happy and cheerful can be hard work.
And for me, it was the fact that I was trying to appease everyone; that I was fulfilling my “duties” as a mum, wife and daughter (in-law).
I had everything what I ever wanted, right? Family, husband, kids? I should be happy! Every single moment!
My mother-in-law spent a LOT of time over at our place in the first 6 months the twinions were born.
Not realizing it at the time, having someone who – let’s face it – I really didn’t know that well, constantly over my shoulder when I had just recently married her son 3 months prior – there wasn’t much room for my own emotional or physical space. It was overwhelming, to say the least.
Simply, it was hard to be myself. I was trying to keep up a pretence while in hindsight, maybe that’s when I actually started to lose part of my identity.
I don’t regret having her with us at all. Her help was much appreciated. But gee, it was challenging.
There are no hard fast rules or straight up solutions to one’s mental illness.
For me, it’s about taking every day for what it is; different from the last and unknown to what it will be tomorrow.
But to also try and tap into those emotions again – whatever they may be.
I have meditation, medication, tools and exercise. All seem to be working and each day there’s hope.
For support and information about Suicide Prevention contact:
Lifeline on 13 11 14
Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467
Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636
Tat says
Oh, Grace, I remember being one of those “But you’re always so happy and cheerful…”. Feel free to tell me any time my comments are inappropriate and what would be more helpful instead (please don’t go as far as slapping duck tape though).
Tat recently posted..Getting the kids out of the house is as easy as riding a bike
Mumabulous says
I would never have thought for a minute that you dont appreciate what you have. Your love for your boys (big and small), family and friends resonates on this blog. In many people a prolonged physical and mental stress – like having to deal with premature twins, gets too much and warps the brain’s chemistry. Its a physical illness with a proven biological cause. Certainly not weakness or lack of gratitude. Combine that with issues such as loss of freedom, independence and former identity and its a recipe for depression and anxiety.
It sounds like y0u are managing these emotions with your innate wisdom and intelligence. Thanks for speaking out. I have hope that the stigma around mental illness is gradually wearing off and that more people will get the help they need. Loves
Mumabulous recently posted..A Man’s Company
Trish says
It is ‘great’ you have the courage to speak out. Wise words and I am glad all your coping mechanisms are helping you.
Running helps me.
Trish recently posted..Reading aloud with your child – top tips to kick start the fun.
Deb @ Bright and Precious says
Bravo, Grace. Bravo. This is such an important post. You’ve articulated it so well. xxx
Deb @ Bright and Precious recently posted..Pluto
Emma Fahy Davis says
I love this Grace, I love your honesty. I’m just scheduled it to share on Facebook in a couple of hours 🙂
Emma Fahy Davis recently posted..The One Where I Couldn’t Breastfeed
stephanie says
It’s tough to admit that we need help whether physical or mental or emotional. So glad to hear that you have been able to find tools that help you. x
stephanie recently posted..Birthday gift
Nicole @ Life Living says
Excellent post Grace! Unless you have been there in one form or another, it is very difficult for others to understand. The courage you have shown, to speak freely about your position, opens the door for others to do so, and so on it flows. I am of the belief that nearly all of us suffer from depression, anxiety and stress at one point of our lives, so isn’t it time for us all to be understanding and supportive. I am so pleased that things are looking up for you xxx
Nicole @ Life Living recently posted..Suicide
Toni @ Finding Myself Young says
I cant relate (not on the having twins in NICU part obviously) to having depression and anxiety. I think most people have the best intentions when they say things, but they don’t realise how their words come across. I don’t think people can truly understand anxiety or depression unless they’ve had it too.
Toni @ Finding Myself Young recently posted..Let’s reduce the stigma
Deborah says
We never know what’s happening in someone’s life or in their head. People who look like they have it all, or have it all under control, so often don’t.
xxxx
Deborah recently posted..My first car accident
Emily @ Have A Laugh On Me says
I would go off if I had people trying to make me feel better. A ‘friend’ was suggested that I could be battling depression, and while I had moments of it, I knew it was just life with 3 kids under 3.5 years was HARD WORK. Thankfully I’ve never had full blown depression, kudos to you for such a great post and for publicising this condition xx
Emily @ Have A Laugh On Me recently posted..If I wrote a parenting book for boys some of the chapters would be…
Vanessa @ babblingbandit.me says
This is a great post but you know what? You shouldn’t have to justify why you were depressed. I think when someone expresses that they aren’t feeling well that people should accept it, listen to the person suffering and offer help – on their terms.
My psychiatrist often asks me what I think I’m depressed or anxious about and I say “nothing in particular, I’m just frigging depressed and anxious!” My mum would ask me the same question. Now, though, when I say to her I’m not feeling well, that I can feel an anxiety attack coming she knows not to ask why. She just hugs me and lets me cry on her shoulder until it has passed. That’s all I ever want because asking for justifications of my pain is passing judgement. As if I don’t have a good enough reason, I’m not qualified to say I’m depressed/anxious.
Some people think I’m so lucky not having to work, only one kid, beautiful place to live and they think I’m wasting my life being depressed. Well, f*&^ me, if it was that easy to turn it off, I would!
Mental illness still has so much stigma attached to it and that saddens me because I have to live with it everyday. Hopefully, though, the more we talk openly about it, the less the stigma becomes.
V.
Vanessa @ babblingbandit.me recently posted..Anxiety: Out of financial control
Lucy @ Bake Play Smile says
Fantastic post Grace. With everything going on at the moment in the media, I think it’s such a timely reminder that anyone can suffer from depression and mental illness, regardless of who they are or how amazing their life appears. Good for you speaking up about such an important topic. xxxx
Lucy @ Bake Play Smile recently posted..Dukkah Crusted Chicken Strips
Kim@Fallingfacefirst says
This post is wonderful, Grace. So honest. The clear way you’ve described the originating elements that brought about those feelings shows how far you’ve come – it was probably really hard for you to put the overwhelming feelings into words a year or so ago. This is so useful for others, understanding how it can come about, particularly as one of the worst aspects is the guilt, feeling like it’s wrong to feel down when we’re blessed with so much. this is all familiar to me, as are the ‘cheer up’ ‘just go out for a walk, you’ll feel better’ type of comments. I’m so glad your tools are working so well for you. I agree with your GP (who gives me the same advice). No hurry. No pressure. Xx
Kim@Fallingfacefirst recently posted..On rage, passion and the contacting of books
Emily says
I’m not mentally ill and I STILL can’t stand it when people say things like this to me. I can only imagine how completely demotivating it is if you’re battling depression or similar.
We can just never know what’s going on with anyone. Ever. We can just be respectful at a minimum. Understanding and compassionate would be great too.
Lovely post, Grace. Thank you for sharing.
Vanessa @ babblingbandit.me says
Testing. My comment won’t seem to publish…
Vanessa @ babblingbandit.me recently posted..Anxiety: Out of financial control
rhian @melbs says
Thank you for sharing this Grace, It takes a lot of courage to put this out there and lay yourself bare for people to read. It is good that you have mechanisms that help you to cope now and I am sure that sharing your experiences will help others too. X
rhian @melbs recently posted..From Fat to Fit Week 9 (17.02.14)
carmen says
I’m never quiet about my diagnosis… social disorder and anxiety. I’ve been chronic for years. I’m over the “take a pill and get on with it” attitude. I do not deal well with medication so we employ every other tactic, help, support.
But I’m one of the lucky ones. I have a loving supportive family and network of close friends. I’m loved and told that often. In fact, in many ways I’m shielded. Yet I am doing my utmost to live still. Everyday.
We get it Grace. In every which way.
Sending you all the love, thoughts and best of positive vibes the world can offer. With a few hugs, laughs and a million smiles to boot. xxXOoo
Neets says
Beautiful Grace.
“taking every day for what it is; different from the last and unknown to what it will be tomorrow.”
The wisest words I have heard in a very long time.
Hugs xxx
Neets recently posted..One Year Down, Forever To Go!
Kathy says
Good on you for sharing so much of your story Grace. Depression isn’t something you just snap out of, even when strength and cheeriness are there on the surface for people to see. When I suffered depression during the thick of our infertility struggles I felt people understood and didn’t question it. But to be honest, I’ve had it rear its ugly head since adopting our kids and have just tried to pull myself up, believing people wouldn’t understand how you could be at all depressed when you have ‘everything you ever wanted’.
Kathy recently posted..Resilience
Tegan says
A quote that has always stuck with me about mental illness and how we feel about our life is ‘Telling someone they shouldn’t be unhappy because someone has it worse off is like telling another person that they shouldn’t be happy because someone has it better than them’. Assumptions never help anyone and the trouble with mental illness is that it’s in our head. We might have our ducks in a row, a big smile on our face but be in turmoil on the inside.
Tegan recently posted..If I could start over..
Nami says
Still, you’re brave to openly confront it because depression is inherit in all of us and yes, who is anybody to judge anyone else?
Nami recently posted..Lucky Number Seven
Psych Babbler says
Don’t get me started on those judgemental comments Grace!! So many of us are made to feel guilty for feeling depressed or anxious because we should be grateful for what we have! I have several clients tell me they feel guilty because they shouldn’t be feeling this way — after all, there are kids starving in Africa etc etc. But it still doesn’t change your life for you. When I saw my therapist last year, she said something so profound it was like a lightbulb went off. I told her how I’d been feeling sad and feeling guilty for it because I should be grateful for having a house, a good job, the opportunity to be in Australia living my dream… and she just asked me “Why shouldn’t you feel sad?” So now I ask that to my clients. Why shouldn’t you? Who says you shouldn’t feel sad/angry/anxious just because you apparently have everything. Material goods are not an indication of mental health. The sooner society understands this, the better the world will be!
Psych Babbler recently posted..The Lucky One
Bronnie - Maid In Australia says
This is so well-written Grace. It’s not that people who are depressed and/or have other mental health illnesses don’t want to feel grateful or happy or whatever – it’s that they can’t. They are sick. They can be treated hopefully but there are moments when it all gets too much. All we can do is take the best care of ourselves as possible (and even that can be hard when you are depressed). See our medical carers, take our medication, get some exercise, eat well, be mindful etc etc. Whatever works. And you are doing it. No one ever wants to feel depressed.
Bronnie – Maid In Australia recently posted..Camping it up