Rounding up the fourth week of half marathon training, I can’t ignore the disconnect that occasionally happens between the mind and body.
Hills are an absolute bitch. Your brain urges your legs to go faster; to lift those knees higher and to push your body up the steep grade. Instead, it feels like carrying led and gravity just seems to take over and brings you down.
Knowing that neither the mental or physical state is at your control is the shittiest feeling. Ever.
It’s been almost 5 months since that fateful, teary conversation with the GP.
It’s been about 4 since I started seeing my reliable third party.
Despite jumping on the road to recovery, diligently following everything that my third party suggested: fitting meditation into a daily routine; being more aware of those moments of anxiety and trying to cope with them better; something ominous was still blocking me.
While not as intense as before or lasting as long, days of stress and anxiety still exist, I wearily told my third party.
Recovery isn’t linear, she replied matter of factly.
It’s not a simple case of diagnosis, prescribing an instant cure with appropriate medication and setting a time frame to reach the end goal of perfect mental health.
There will be some stellar highs, spiraling lows. There are detached, even numbing plateaus. Then there are disappointing times when neither mind nor body or at sync with each other.
In this realization, I’ve consciously decided to stop thinking that every day is a little closer to getting out of the fog,
Like my training, consistency doesn’t guarantee significant improvement.
Anxiety is my laborious hill.
It’s like the led in the legs that are trying to run.
It’s the heavy ceiling that’s holding you back from getting through to bluer skies.
But when those gaps in the clouds peep through, showing a little insight to the possibilities of returning to an involving, engaging and far less tiresome life, I have hope again.
Recovery. It’s there. Just not as straight forward as I had anticipated.
Joining Jess for IBOT
Sarah says
Oh grace – thats a tough one. I mainly see women in my counselling practice and this is an issue that comes up time and time again. Just like grief – anxiety, depression and stress are not linear. I like to explain them as little upsurges – that at different points the feelings can surface at expected and unexpected times. Being mindful when they arrive, accepting that sometimes we dont have the power to quash them and reaching out for support are good ingredients for good mental health. Take care of yourself and yay you for the halfie, Im lucky to make a 4K fun run x
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Deb @ home life simplified says
Big hugs grace. I am with you 100% on that non-linear journey. My grateful post on Friday was all about my realisation that I am IN the struggle but I am not THE struggle.
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Zanni, Heart Mama says
Hi Grace. I know this so well. You need to just take it day by day, step by step, as you are doing. And training for a half marathon is a perfect analogy.It’s a great exercise in being present, and trying not to be overwhelmed by the Goal.
Love and hugs to you. You are doing everything you need to do.
xxx
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Kathy says
Hi Grace – I think your analogy of the hill is a good one. Hey you make it up the hill and you run on, feel better and ready for another hill. Good luck on the journey.
Lydia C. Lee says
Great post – it isn’t linear but we humans want it to be. Nice reminder. and good for you!
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Lauren says
Grace- one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. It’s all we can do.
Love and light xxx
kirri says
That’s a gorgeous analogy Gracie.
I can sense how hard you work on yourself and everything you do. More trust. Less resistance x
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Ai Sakura says
Don’t give up Grace. I guess that’s so important not to give up, even during those disappointing lows. Big hugs xox
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Trish says
Beautifully written Grace , onwards …upwards.
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Robomum says
Keep on Grace. Love to you X
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Annaleis from Teapots and Tractors says
Keep running Grace you will make it to the other side!
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Daisy says
Nail. On. Head.
xoxo
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daddownunder says
I associate you with big beaming smiles Grace, that’s a pretty good association to have. I hope with the help of your third party you overcome this particular hill
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Rebecca says
Hugs to you Grace, your doing a wonderful job.
Every step, one step at a time XX
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Ang says
Very honest and very true. All we can do is take each day and even each moment as it comes and try to be our best in that moment. It can be as exhausting as the utter fatigue of running, but the good outweighs the bad in both cases.
I love my running and would love to do a half marathon. Good on you 🙂 I find when I run, my mind clears and I have relief from the anxieties for a brief time.
Keep on keeping on, Grace. You’re an inspiration to us all.
Aroha @ Colours of Sunset says
what a great analogy Grace. I know those hills. I know that anxiety. They are a perfect comparison. Sometimes, climbing the hill, I stop running and walk, just for a little bit, and tell myself it’s “ok”. And it is always ok to do what you gotta do. xo
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Eleise says
Oh bug hugs. The journey of anxiety is never easy. Each day it gets easier and the lows are not so deep. Keep strong!
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Lara @ This Charming Mum says
It’s awesome that you are putting your thoughts and feelings out there Grace. You are not alone – many of us have experience with anxiety, depression or both – whether short or long term, it’s just so common and yet so isolating. I love your metaphor about the ceiling. I hope your skies keep clearing x
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Enid Bite'Em says
Oh Grace … I think lots of life is cyclical (and I know that’s what many Indigneous Australians think, which I’ve just been reading about this morning) … hopefully what you learn this time (even it’s to be easier on yourself) makes it easier on the next cycle through.
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Rachel @ The Kids Are All Right says
You are such a dynamo Grace, I’m sure you want to be a “high achiever” in recovery too 🙂 It’s a big lesson to be patient and and to have faith even when some days don’t feel like progress. Usually it’s only in hindsight we can see we didn’t need to worry so much. Much love to you. x
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Bridget says
All I can say is I love you Grace. My heart is with you every step of the way.
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Josefa @always Josefa says
You are doing great Grace and running is everything about moving forward and getting closer. I love the idea that recovery isn’t linear. Neither is life – is it?
Josefa from #teamIBOT
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EssentiallyJess says
Grace, this was so beautifully written. We always want the quick, easy cure, and it’s frustrating not to get it. Just keep hanging on to those moments though. xx
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Lynne says
One day at a time – and There is light at the end of the tunnel……be kind to yourself and grow stronger everyday. 🙂
Alex aka Whoa Mumma says
Oh I know that MOFO anxiety all too well! Take time out when you can. Be kind to yourself. xx
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Rita says
Beautifully written Grace. I know anxiety as well… Sending you many virtual positive thoughts.
Shari says
I really get it too, Grace and the biggest realisations I made also were 1. pace yourself because it doesn’t have to be all or nothing and 2. hold the hope. You can do it, you will do it, we’re with you! Sending much love xx
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Emily @ Have a laugh on me says
It really does suck that you have to go through this G. But you know what Dora says, just keeping swimming, just keep swimming. HUGS xxx
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Lisa@RandomActsOfZen says
One day at a time Grace, is all you can do. Thank goodness you have such a wonderful, grounded attitude.
Take care of you xx
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Sabeen says
Beautifully worded Grace. I know anxiety all too well and you are super brave for sharing a side of you that is so raw and vulnerable.So true about recovery not being linear, it really isn’t . Set your own pace, step after step, moment after moment, taking in the present. Lots of love and hugs coming your way xxx
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Twitchy says
Glad you decided to hit ‘publish’, Grace. I’m glad to know of this on a conscious level because I guess subconsciously I’d been thinking in terms of personal progression the only way is forward or you’re failing. But you, Grace, are moving and that’s the main thing xx
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Rina says
Big hugs!! One day at a time, never give up. We have your back Grace!
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Kylez @ A Study in Contradictions says
Like with everything in life there are no quick fixes and to be honest that pisses me off! Surely just once there could be a quick fix for something, particularly this! Sending big hugs to you Grace! XxX
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Maria Tedeschi (Mrs M) says
Life isn’t linear let alone recovery. Moving forward, one step in front of the other is linear, just don’t know where it’s taking you.
You must have killer pins. So jealous 😛
Love & stuff
Mrs M
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Becci says
Good moments is what life is made up of and as long as you recognise when they pop up, you’re doing well. Keep on it Grace! xxx
Tahlia - the parenting files says
What a true, honest and beautiful post. It is all a journey, some days are more uphill then others. Big hugs xx
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Emurley says
Hey Gracie. I can relate. You let me know when you are next in the land of round-abouts n we’ll hang 🙂 Em
Maddy (@mummawoosah) says
You are brave and what I love reading all of these posts are how many more of us can relate. Is there anything more powerful than saying / hearing the words ‘me too’. You bring a voice to many who don’t want to speak up. The more people speak out about anxiety, depression, and in my case – post natal depression…the less of a stigma there is attached. Thankyou for being so open and honest…xx
PS – in case you were interested- my PND post here: https://www.hercanberra.com.au/index.php/2012/11/19/taking-off-the-mask-the-many-faces-of-pnd/
Nami says
Sometimes it’s a hill – other times, a valley. It’s what makes life beautiful and you all the more so in keeping your feet on it.
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Jean says
You will conquer that type of running terrain /distance again. Above all, need to relax.